Getting ready...

Life is pretty crazy isn't it. One day everything is going great and you feel like your going somewhere and getting all these great things done. Then the next it is all gone and you start to wonder when you will stop falling and be able to get back to the good. 

Take a second and think back, think of when you were 18 and just set out on your own. Maybe it was to go to college, to go traveling or maybe you just wanted to be out and live alone. Do you remember the joy and feeling of anything could happen. Boy, do I miss that feeling. I miss feeling like I could make a difference if I just believed and tried. I miss feeling like I could be and do anything. Don't you?

I miss the idea of anything.

At 12 I was told that I would not be able to have children without serious medical intervention but, for years I held to the thought that anything was possible. That with a family as big as mine it was impossible I couldn't have a biological child. That one day... But in just the short period that I have even had this blog for I have realized that I have been sticking my head in the sand. 

This post, article, whichever you would like to call it is about coming to terms with stopping trying to have a baby. I made my decision last month and it's been hard giving up on a dream, giving up on who I have wanted to be. Of course, this doesn't mean at some point I am not going to get my papers together and adopt and foster. That was always apart of our ( Me and my husbands) plan. It just may be sooner then we thought. 

It just means that accepting the fact that I will probably never carry and birth a living child, is my new reality. 

In light of this I have started to think differently. Instead of begging doctors to help me be a mom, I am talking to them about...well I'm not really talking to them. Right now I don't really see the point in going to the doctor and trying to be healthy. I know that soon I will have to go and get another treatment done, that I will have to go and get my physical therapy completed and other things. I know that life goes on as it has for other mothers. 

It's interesting how logically you can understand something. Understand how life is a certain way and that eventually with enough determination you can end up with the basic concept of what you wanted in the long haul. I know that if I save, move and apply to grants then I can become a foster mom and adopt. That I will be a mommy with living babies. I will love them and protect them and they will be MINE. What it doesn't change is I will never feel my baby kick and somersault inside of me. See their first sonogram or hear their heartbeat on a Doppler and stare down at my belly to smile. The joys and annoyances of being hugely pregnant will be missed. As much as I have enjoyed and cherished the few months with my babies I have had, I never passed the first trimester. For the moms who know what that is like My Condolences. 

As my brain has try to rationalize and compartmentalize all of these things; my heart grieves openly for the loss. The loss and dreams of the young me. The loss of hope and determination. The loss of my children. I know eventually it will all hurt less. I know eventually that things will be better and honestly that's the only thing getting me through. 

PCOS

You may have noticed that September is the awareness month for PCOS and that I did not write a post talking about it. You may also notice that in recent months I have not really mentioned, or rather write about my PCOS. There are a few reasons for this. One reason is I have been really swamped trying to focus on the other aspects of my business. Two is that I have been overly lucky in the sense that my bleeding and pains have not been crazy. In fact after taking that one dose (10 day regiment) I have had relatively no problems. Which is amazing for me and I am making the most of that! the Third reason is that for me September is not the only (or regulated) month that I want to talk about PCOS. I want to raise awareness every month. I want to try and start sharing knowledge that even I am still learning. Like its symptoms PCOS does not affect and should not just be on our brains one month out of the year (if you do not understand me sorry but, I am not rephrasing). It affects us and should be on every ones mind all year around. I'm not going to make this post really long or even rant about this belief of mine. I will leave it of now with these question. How many of you knew about PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome before reading my blog (that were not diagnosed with it)?  How many people did you know before that had it? and how many people have you realized have had it but, you just didn't notice or care to find out?

This month on my other blog Adventures  I will be talking about miscarriage and all that affects that.

Grief

I often have conversations about the people I have lost in my life. Many of whom you already know about. In 9 days will be the 53rd birthday of one of the most important people I lost ( that I had with me on this planet). My mother was absolutely everything to me, as you can see from the posts where I talk about her. She is the reasons I am who I am and do what I try to do. In one month and 6 days it will be the 5th year that she will be gone. The 5th year I was torn apart and the 5th year I am still trying to piece myself together.

I talk to people about my loss, my love for, and my heart ache of losing my mom and it amazes me that they expect for me to be over it. They expect that I am no longer saddened or cry about losing the woman who loved me first; the woman who gave me everything she could. I know that in the past five years the pain and numbness has lessened and I am able to think about her now without immediately bursting into tears but, my heart is still broken and I have yet to really begin to mend. 

A lot of times on FB I share things that seem important but, this post really resonated with me to the point of spurring me to action. For those of you who where on our Facebook page ADVENTURES before coming here you may have seen the picture that inspired this post. For those of you who haven't I will write it out here in sections. 

"The reality is that you will grieve forever.you will not 'get over' the lost of a loved one;you will learn to live with it." This is essentially what I just wrote about above. Even after five years my heart is still mainly shredded and the pain is still there. I may not burst in to tears as much anymore but, that is mainly due to the fact that I have had to stop so I can live as normal of a life as I can. If I had the option I probably still would be laid out in bed crying and going over home videos and pictures of my mom and family. However, I did and do have to work, be social and pretty much continue living. Is it hard having new firsts and not sharing them with my mother; yes. It is hard having a tough day and not having her to go to. It was hard getting married and not having her there to support me. Its been hard going through these health issues and not having her here to talk to them about and ask for advise, to not have her go to the doctors with me and help me understand. Yes, I am going to be 24 but, I still wish my mommy was around to go to doctors appointments with. 

"You will heal and you will rebuild yourself yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."

I am most definitely not the same person I was 5 years ago. Yes, partly cause I have grown older and with age a person changes. I was not the same a month, two months after my mom passed. I know that it cost me friends and it cost me family. At some points I even tried to pretend I was the same but, it didn't work because I wasn't. I wasn't happy, I didn't see the world in the same light, and honestly I was a lot quicker to just ignore someone. My mother had kept me grounded and kept me in my family. She was the root that entwined me with them. When she left, as much as I loved and love them; it just was not the same. Their words and criticism were a lot harder to bare, their happiness harder to watch. Every occasion, every interaction with people became either suffocating or not enough. Even after all this time I am still different and not whole enough to deal with many things I used to. 

The loss of a loved one, of a significant person is soul crushing. The loss of a father or mother you are close with; the loss of a child (full term or miscarried); the loss of a loved spouse. These can and do break us down and apart. It makes it hard to pick up the pieces and resume a life that often we do not want anymore. After my mother died, after the loss of my children I didn't want to be around many people;I didn't want to be in the same school or area. I wanted out and to be away. I wanted to take on things that would change me more. I wanted to move to a place where there was no memories of her, cause remembering hurt too much to bare. 

So the next time you talk to someone who has losed someone so deeply apart of them, remember let them be. Do not tell them to get over the pain; do not tell them it's been a long time they should have healed. Grief and pain has no time limit. Healing has no time limit. 

Midnight rant

I always find it interesting that in the quiet hour of night when your thoughts crowd your mind; epiphanies- revelations, awakening come upon us. I think it's because our conscious mind is to close to shutting down to keep it all at bay. 

Well for me tonight, I've had what I think may be a few. The past few months I've talked about my passions, my cause, my conditions and diseases. I told you how I go a mile a minute because I cannot stand to go slow when it comes to people's lives. However, even though I wouldn't for a second go any slower for my cause, my life is always a million thoughts and a million things I want to do. See, I want to fix the broken cracks I see. I want to give homes and love to the stray animals and shelter pets; I want to give homes and love to children that do not have a good home or no home. I want to share my poetry, my art and the arts of others. Not critique it and hinder their art but encourage and help them grow like someone has done for me. I want to have a huge company that will help the employees and clients. I want a million things and I forget that I'm one person. I forget that input so much out into the world all at once that I confuse people. That I appear to be flaky, unorganized, a scammer in quick schemes. My brother told me that I have to take my time with my ideas and fully think them out before starting. All I want to do is have things be great already. I guess you can say that when it comes to my projects I have little patience. 

I think for me and a lot of people who throw themselves heavily into their work and projects, that we do it cause we are broke in the silence, we are broke and uncomfortable when things stand still. My husband asks me a lot why are you always watching TV or reading, I told him because for as long as I do that, I can pretend to be someone else. Something, I'm sure more people than I do. 

From previous and really the more later posts on my blogs I know you all have seen the depression and often despair I feel. So, for me getting out of my life, out of my thoughts, out of the weight of things I feel I am supposed to have done, is a blessing and release. The purpose that picture films were made for. The reason why they are such a success. 

So, I'm not sure where I am right now in this post but I know that I can tell you. Everything I blog, everything I post on social media I plan on doing and doing it right. I plan with people's help or not to help cancer patients and their families with my charity. I plan on working every job if I have to, to help working families, I plan on doing good and hopefully great things with my blogs that will help and reach people hopefully. I plan on continually speaking out about PCOS, Endometriosis, and depression. I plan on doing everything I can for everything I listed here. I hope you guys will follow me, help me, encourage me and each other. I hope that you will share and tell me more about what you think will be helpful. However, if you don't then it was nice having you around so far. I hope and pray that life gives you all you want, but I will do it alone if needed. 

another one

Its been a pretty long time, over a week since I last wrote here. If I am honest its because I've been feeling really down about life and the things that have been happening. I'm sad that my husband is having problems with his own depression and the way he has been dealing with it. I'm sad about my own depression that I have let my self wallow in for sometime. I'm sad that people look into my life with judgement and criticism. Critics yes, can be helpful when done correctly and politely. The criticism I have been facing lately really has just made me want to give up and in. A big part of me would love to do that, just roll over and keel or just step in line with the monotony of office work.

For years I have been told to just go to work in an office. To sit in some cubical because it pays okay and that's what people think is best. I cannot imagine something more dull and life draining. To be perfectly honest the first and foremost reason I do not want an office job is because I would be sitting my pretty little ass down in a chair staring at a screen inputting information for 8 hours a day for 5 day a week for 52.17777 weeks a year. I would probably shoot myself and someone else. Even just being at home looking at a screen for over 2 hours for fun gives me headaches that make me shut down my screens for a bit. Not to mention the fact that if I was to obtain a regular office position and went in to work during my period, I would be hiding in a hopefully private bathroom or have to put a shield around my cube. Can you imagine the horror on people faces coming in to the bathroom seeing a trail of blood or worse a mess of it. How bout them coming over to my cube for information and because I bled through my cloths and into the chair they smell the blood that has been seeped into the chair cushion for the past hour or so. Now, sure you can say "your just making excuses" but think about if it was you. think about if you had to always be careful not laugh or cough cause blood could squirt out, or even just try and pull in everything in hopes it would keep your naturally very heavy flow from just coming out. How would you feel about being in a highly crowded area, with no privacy, and where anyone could see or smell that your bleeding. I remember in high school and junior high when girls would first get their period and how people could be so rude and mean. If you think that's changed as the people grew older your wrong. Its just become quieter, the whispers have turned into real whispers and people are still ostracized. So, NO I am not going to just take an office job cause it could be easier work.

I'm also very tired of people judging my condition without living it. Sometimes I wish I could take those people open an artery and say okay now you live with that and remember you cant let it scab over for several days/ weeks. I'm pretty sure that person would run to the hospital and say stitch me up please before I die! Honestly even outside of my crazy little scenario here people really need to stop thinking they know better or because they can do a google search they know all the information. A google search is nice you get a part of the information needed, but honestly you know diddly squat until you've lived with the condition. Until, you and that person have gone through the same things. Its okay to want and help, but be productive then. Saying oh you are this way because you do this or I read you are this way cause of this. What is that! Instead saying hey I know this great farmers market where we can get a bunch of great fresh vegetables and fruits, want to come with; or hey I heard that there is a new study out that is looking for someone who has the same symptoms as you do, want to apply here is the website. Do something productive and less destructive. Most people who critic someone like me do not know half of what they are talking about. Yesterday, I was talking to someone and they were telling me all the things I was doing wrong, all the things I should change. I turned around and asked them do you know anything about my condition and he said no. So, if you know nothing about my condition, the treatments I have been on, the way I eat both publicly and privately then how can you tell me what I am doing wrong or be of any assistance. Your judging me on face value, not on substance. Learn at least something about what I am going through, ask me questions about what I have done, then after you learn then you can say something. Then you can say "Well you know what jacks. I have been with you during your period, Ive seen how it has affected you first hand, I have seen the way you eat, exercise, and conduct your general life. Here is what I think about it all". That doesn't happen though and that is something that will probably never happen, so until it does people should take their destructive criticism and shove it. You want to help me be productive, tell me things that add to my life. Tell me a place I can get cheap good veggies and fruit. Tell me a cheap place I can go swimming again. Tell me about a support group I can join where I can talk to other women like me that have depression, anxiety, and PCOS. Tell me what books I should read to become better at my business, my blog, my life. Tell me something useful, if you cant then just stay quiet. Keep your destructive words and UN-useful information.

Until next time everyone, be safe, be loved, be useful.

Happy thoughts

A few thoughts today that I thought I would share with everyone. 

My first is how happy I am with my self. Even though I haven't been perfect I have lost 4 lbs. in the spand of one week that's not bad. I plan on continuing and building off it but am still excited. 

My second thought is how I want to try and build up my campaign. As you all know I am raising money for a foundation I started, The Romero Foundation. It's important to me as you can see on my other posts. So, I was thinking about holding a bake sale in van courtlandt park selling both really yummy and some very healthy snacks. One to get my cause out there more and to raise more money for the campaign. If it is a success which I hope it is, I hope to do a bbq or dinner next. Let me know what you think about my idea! Would love to know!

Blarg-a

I told you in my last post that I plan on keeping you guys in touch with how I do. Eating healthier has been easier then I thought. I've been goin back to having smoothies. 

I have been cooking meal like steak stir fry with a medley of vegetables. I have even been eating more raw fruits.

Things I had stopped doing after I became married. I'm not going to say everything and everyday was healthy. I've had a can here or there of chef boyardi and I've had soda the past two days. I also had fried chicken with my rice. However, I'm proud of my small steps. Each one leading me to a healthier me. 

As far as working out, I haven't done nearly what I had hoped. I am not rushing to get into intense and hard work outs but I did want to start walking a minimum of 10-20 minutes a day. Today I have not done that, but I have done some crunches and other things. 

I've also been lucky enough to find a weight loss partner. Someone I can message for encouragement and give my support to. She has decided to do weekly weight- ins and I think I'll start doing that instead of daily weight-ins. I also want to remind me and others that it takes time to become and live a healthy life. 

Remember don't be hard on yourself cause I won't be. This is a marathon not a race. 

My Opinions & Rants on Recent Events

August 5, 2015 at 1:37pm

Okay, there has been a lot going on as of late. Every so often, I like to write my opinions on certain things because I'm tired of people being ignorant. So let's start this, shall we?

1. Cecil the Lion vs Attacks on the Military: I don't approve of any sort of game hunting. I think people who think it's a good idea to kill an animal just because they can, and/or because it can fix/keep safe this or that or whomever, are ignorant assholes. That being said, the fact that a lion has garnered more attention and support than our military members who have been attacked on US soil is disgraceful. Obviously, people's priorities are seriously misconstrued in this country. The day that we realize this too late will be the day I'm moving to Ireland.

2. Confederate Flag: Those of you who think it's great that it's being taken down and banned and what not, obviously are sheep. It's part of US history. At this rate, next you're going to say that the original flag that has 13 stars for the original 13 colonies is offensive to British descendants and demand THAT be taken down and banned too. Get off the band wagon and get a damn education.

3. Ronda Rousey: If you think she looks masculine or have any other horrible things to say about her, you're obviously a misogynistic asshole. She's beautiful, she's strong, she's a bad ass, she's the kind of inspiration and idol I'd want any daughter(s) I have to look up to. Better her than some of the half naked, idealized crap that the current generation is subjected to.

4. The immigration laws, or lack there of, have caused a lot of controversy. My opinion? No, I don't like that the people who come to the US illegally get treated so well when our own citizens have to struggle every day to survive. They shouldn't be given hand outs. How can we help them, when there are homeless children & adults who could use it far more than somebody who came here just for a free ride. As for the whole argument that includes the country's treatment of Native Americans throughout history, I think that's disgraceful too. We took away their lands, treated them like dirt. They are the ones who we should be giving land back to as well as restitution. They deserve far more than the illegal immigrants.5. $15 an hour: You people who think that's what you deserve for flipping a burger and scooping up fries are greedy, lazy jackasses. You obviously are the ones who fall under the category of people who don't want to have to work hard for anything in their lives. I'm 24 years old. I have a part time job that barely helps me pay bills and still take care of myself. Yet I have to live at home because I don't make enough to have my own place or even get a place with roommates. However, I know that this is how it is sometimes and it can get better. I've worked retail, in a kitchen, as a server, as a cleaning person. I've done everything I can to get by. You don't see me demanding more money for the jobs I've done. It's building skill and experience so that when I do find a steady career, I can honestly say that I've learned several skills that will help me do the best I can in that field. If you want $15 an hour for doing the things that don't even come close in comparison to those who don't make nearly that much doing things that are far beyond your level of intellect and skill, you obviously have no idea what the real world is and should be thrown into it without a single helping hand.

This may anger or offend a lot of people, and that's okay. However, I will not apologize for a single word of it.

May the Goddess Protect you.

---- I would like to say as Jacks I do not necessarily agree with everything stated here. I am happy to introduce our new writer here on Jacks and hope you all enjoy her articles.

My cause

I often forget not everyone's minds run as fast as mine. I often forget that the more I put out there and put on my plate can confuse the very same people I am hoping to recruit. 

I'm saying all of this because my husband just asked me what the slogan of my campaign is and I told him I don't know. He followed it by what is your cause. I replied that I want to help everyone who has been affected by cancer. That's a big number and the number rises daily with each new diagnosis. 

In 7 years since my mom was first diagnosed, I have seen and met a lot of people who have been affected by this horrible disease. Three of my moms friends that I can just remember lost their fathers to cancer in the two years my mom fought. The people she met at chemo and during Relay and more; some died, some went in remission only to come back after a few month or a year. I watched the people around me in the chemo centers and saw their brave faces and almost plastered smiles as they fought death. 

After my mom died and I hung everything up. I met a few people, kids like me who lost their moms. The first person who told me their mom had cancer was my friend from elementary. She and I lived only a block from eachother. Her mom fought for many years. This past year my friends mom went to heaven. Leaving behind four children and husband. The second person I met was in a class with me. We started talking and found out our mothers not only died the same month but in the same hospital. Another friend lost her mom 4 months ago from cancer and everyday is a struggle. She is 22 and pregnant with her first child... Can you imagine going through that? 

I looked up recently a number. A number that says 2.85 million children that have a parent with cancer. Those are numbers just in the U.S. 

Parents can you imagine your daily activities: work, cooking, picking kids up, checking on them and their work, cleaning, paying bills, running your kids around... And then add to that fighting for your and their lives. Taking off from work for treatments and doctor visits, surgery, losing your energy, and trying to shield your child from the worse of it. I talk about fighting for your life cause of the cancer; I talk about fighting for their lives cause they are affected. 

I was 16 when my mom told me she had cancer and was moving to ny. That I would stay in Pa and finish my senior year. I could if I had to every detail of that day from the moment she took me to the restaurant. I remember the whole time thinking my mom is going to die and I won't even be able to be there with her. The first two or so months of living alone I spent every day wondering if she was in the hospital or not. Only to learn later she was and I couldn't help her. I remember moving back to be with her and being half awake most might scared I would pull a wire or something from her at home radiation box. Keeping my ears alert for the sounds of her pain so I could warn my aunt and uncle we had to go to the hospital. My mom sheltered me as much as she could even with all of that but my life was forever changed like the rest of my family the second she was diagnosed. 

My cause, my mothers cause is born from our hearts, experience, tears, and hope that others can have a better experience. That the next 16 year old, 10 year old, 18 year old who is told their parent has cancer won't automatically think " my parent is going to die". That they get more birthdays like Relay for life slogan says. That they don't have to go through the agony of burying their parent too soon. My mom died at 48 years old, to kids that may be old but for the rest of us we know that was way too young. 

So far I have talked about older patients with cancer and the effect it has on their children. What I haven't told you is about a remarkable little boy whose fighting for cancer. A friend of mine from highschool has an incredible older sister that I admire. At this time her family is going through something I could never imagine. Her four year old son was diagnosed with leukemia. Four years old!! And fighting. 

This is why I want to help. This is why my mind runs at a million miles per hour when it comes to this cause. It is why I can't just leave it to one main part and grow from there. I can't slow down when cancer won't. I can't look the other way cause cancer doesn't. It affects and takes everyone it wants. It part of why I took up this cause. It's why my mom started it. We couldn't, can't and won't turn away from the plight of those diagnosed. We couldn't, can't and won't not stop trying to help all that we can. Maybe my thoughts don't make sense to you and things are jumbled. Maybe you've never seen how cancer affects people and families. Maybe you just don't have the money to do anything about it. Whatever it is I ask that you move past it. I ask that you share this. I ask that you give what you can; your time, your effort, and yeah if you can your money. Cause this cause is worth it. It's worth trying to make their lives easier, it's worth supporting them, it's worth trying to eradicate this disease. 

This is interesting

The other day I was telling you about how I started a new treatment for my pcos and menorrhagia. This first treatment was supposed to be really bad. That's what both me and the doctor expected. Clots, gushing blood, fatigue, and bad cramping. You know the pretty much norm for me. Can I tell you something?. I got no clots, none whatsoever. I had minimal gush, the whole time I kept putting down in my apps medium period. I got minimal fatigue and a bunch of insomnia. The only thing I did get was horrendous, body twisting, agonizing cramps. Cramps that 4000 mg of ibuprofen couldn't help, that a 12mcg patch of fentanyl just barely put a dent into, and weed please I was still in agony ( but I was high and happy...). So, this morning on my 6 th day I go to the bathroom and start logging my symptoms and period flow. When I go to wipe the paper is barely red, in fact it's not. It's not even pink! So, I sit there with disbelief and wipe again. This time putting a finger in a little bit to see if there is blood around the front. Nope! Still just this period endin color or light brown almost. If I tol you guys that I was flipping out, that wouldn't even explain it. I mean when I was given the provera I was told that it will help me ovulate. By assisting me to ovulate, my lining would not have enough time to become very thick and cause an excessive period. However, I had to wait a long time to take the medicine. So, I was already 30 odd days past when I should have bled. Plenty of time for my lining to become thick, and from my ultrasound it was. My feeling now is how, seriously how did it lower my bleeding days and quantity?! Can you guys give me something that I am missing cause seriously I am going insane...

Anyway, outside of them at spiel. I told you all that I planned on being healthier and exercising. I have come up with a plan and will be sharing my progress journal with you in my pages. Some of the hardest things for me right now is A. Motivation to get up and going. B. To have the energy to share the kitchen with annoying idiots. C. To stop drinking soda and eating canned foods (chef boyardi).

While I was going (really staying) away my brothers place I was cooking all my meals and they were fairly healthy. I know I can do it and I generally enjoy doing it. The problem is everytime I go into the kitchen a door is being a shut or there are comments and sneers. It makes it easier for me to be lazy and not want to do anything. With soda and canned foods I blame my husband, who is not only an enabler but pushes it on me. I tell him I want to be healthier and he goes out gets chips, chef, and two sodas (one for me, one for him). So, last night I told him I'm not drinking soda for 2 months. That I am goin to keep a chart of it and everything. I even told him I want to get a bj's membership so I can buy healthy foods in bulk for smoothies and other things. He gave me a face like I am crazy.  Well he is going to be in for the time of his life cause I want to be a healthier house. I don't care what he does away from me but when we are together he is eatin like me. No longer will I eat what he likes (all unhealthy crap) and let him bring junk food home. Well, I guess in the coming weeks we will see how it all works out. 

And it starts...again

In one of my last posts I tell you guys how I had a feeling my period would be soon. How it would be bad. How this new doctor said, this medication can help. I also told you how the cramps were already bad. Well today is day three now and day one I could do nothing including stay a sleep because of the pain. I personally use marihuana to help with the pain and nausea. I did this and I was still in extreme pain. I then took 2400 mg of ibuprofen which is better when you have cysts cause it is an anti- inflammatory. That also left me in pain. So, I looked up meditation music that can help with pain and that at least helped put me to sleep, along with my husband that stood up all night and played with my hair. Since then I have taken another 1600 mg and put on a fentanyl patch of 12 mcg. I am still in general pain but for the most part I can live with it. The not so great part is that only on day two I was already bleeding a lot. Where little streams were falling down and how dark the blood was. It looked as if someone had stuck a needle in my veins and the blood that would normally full the vial was just pourin out of me. However, I knew that this period would be different from the ones I have had before. Another thing I plan on being different is my approach to dealing with the blood loss and getting my vitamins and minerals back. I know I have said this before, but I am going to start working out again. Thanks to Pinterest I have found some great exercises for people with pcos to do; exercises that help. I also have a new food plan. I am ready to start cutting out more and more carbs. I know this is going to be very hard for me, but I am determined to get back to at least my freshmen weight. That means I plan on losing 65 lbs. I don't think it will be easy, but hopefully with all the doctors I have, it will be possible. So, please wish me luck as I start this. I hope for your encouragement as I try to return more and more to healthy. 

On another note I am glad to share here that I have started a new campaign on GOFUNDME. No, this is not me asking you guys to donate money. This is just me talking about something I am truly excited about. See, before my mom does from cabcer 5 years ago. She started or rather tried to start a nonprofit organization to help other cancer patients and their families. She wanted to help me them find better doctors, have help with paying for medical treatments, and bring them into a community of survivors. Unfortunately, she died before it could happen. I have always wanted to help with her organization and do something for other kids out there like me. Kids who lost their parents and became lost. So, now I have The Romero Foundation. I hope to raise enough money that I can help several people with cancer, kids who lsost their parent to cancer, and give a portion to relay for life. For those of you who do not know what Relay for Life is, it is a fundraising project where you can have fun, sell things, but most of all walk. Each team has a set goal and the money goes for cancer research. Relays goal is to give cancer patients more birthdays. I plan on donating 1/3 of whatever money I am able to raise to them. Another 1/3 will go to a not so lucky person who lost a parent to cancer. They can use the money for school, bills, anything they need it for. The other 1/3 will go to cancer patients. They will be given an amount they need for bills, treatment costs, equipment costs. For whatever their insurance has not covered including if needed transportation cost. I know my mom probably spent a pretty penny goon out to Michigan, for their cancer treatment facility. The Romero Funds will be used to make people who have had to deal with cancer, lives easier. 

I told you above I am not asking for your money. What I will ask is for you to share my message. Share with your friends and family, maybe then can donate or share it with their friends and family. My GOFUNDME link is http://www.gofundme.com/10oli94 . I am lucky enough to have already gotten a contribution and I could not be happier. Every dollar really does count. I hope that even if you don't donate to me, you will look at relay for life or other cancer fundraisers and donate there. I hope one day soon this disease really will be eradicated. I hope no one else in the coming years has to lose their loved ones to this. With that said I hope you all have a good day. It's Monday and the work week has just begun. Enjoy :)

Him II

The other day I wrote a post titled Him. A lot of you read it and have probably been asking yourself some questions. One thing I have heard is "if you do not want this person to know; why would you then post it for the world to see". This is an easy answer. First He does not know about this site. This site has been kept from him for the sheer reason that it talks about the complications I have been facing. So, I feel comforatble putting up here what I have kept from Him and even a few other people. People I know would not look at this blog.

The same person who asked me the question above left a comment on Him. Do not bother looking because I did not let it go up. I did that not because I have anything to hide, or because I am scared of criticism. I did it because I found it kind of rude. When reading it, I actually felt attacked a little bit. Im sure thats not what the writer intended, but that is the way it was taken. So, I had deleted the message. However, it has staid in my head kind of taunting me. So, I want to set a few things straight.

1. I am pretty sure the writer of the comment has not read all of my posts. They stated so themselves.
2. They most likely do not have PCOS
3. They have probably never had a disease that has no cure. oh, wait there is a cure for PCOS. Its to have a hysterectomy.

One of the points in the comment stated that this condition affects many women. Something I know and have talked briefly about. I went back online and looked up the numbers. The site I read said between 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women are affected by this. I think it should just say 1 in 15 since that is the median. That is a lot of people, but like I said each person has a different case when it comes to this condition. I have heard that women with PCOS are like snow flakes. Each one is different, each one reacts differently. I have had the pleasure of meeting someone recently that was curious about my vague description of my condition. When I told her what it was, she stated she has it as well, but a very minor version of it. She also stated that she has a sister with the same condition who has a more severe version and she understood what I was talking about. How before she never took much notice into her sisters daily activities and how when thinking she realized her sister would often miss a few days from work a month, and how she clearly had to run her life around her condition. Outside of that meeting I had the privilege of talking to other women as well about how they have handled their PCOS. One woman told me how she often went to the emergency room almost monthly because of the amount of pain she was in due to the cysts. She also stated that the doctors would not help her and often would just send her home with pain medication saying that was all they could do. For me, there are months when I do not even feel my cysts. They can often be small and cause me no discomfort. They can also be huge like the one I currently have and cause me daily discomfort. It really just depends on something that I have no idea about. If I did know what caused the cysts to become huge, i would most definetely do the opposite of it.
Another point was brought up about how there are medications, treatments, and procedures that could be done to eleviate my issues. I am pretty sure every woman, every girl is asked and or told this. Each of them are probably like me in saying well, I haven't found one yet. I have spent 12 years of my life trying to find a cure , a treatment that would make me normal. That would make my periods come on time, that would banish the pain I feel every month as my insides shed. Yet, I have yet to find a treatment that helps me. I have asked multiple doctors about surgically removing the cysts. They state that it is not that easy. These cysts are caused monthly because when my body gets ready to ovulate and release an egg, it fucks up. That fuck up turns into a painful bag of puss and apparently blood. So, even if I was to surgically remove a cyst this month, it will not prevent another one from appearing next month or the one after that. Another point brought up is that most cysts resolve themselves. This is a very true statement. Most cysts do resolve themsleves and here is how: Option 1. They shrink and disappear over time. That is an awesome option that I hope happens to all of my and every one elses cysts. However, I am not naive enough to think that will happen. Option 2. The cysts ruptures. This is not such a pleasant way of get rid of a cyst unless you are on heavy painkillers and are positive nothing else will be affected by the rupture. For me the last time I had a cyst rupture it felt like I was shot in my pelvis. I thought I was going to die. The problem is, is that it is not only the rupture it self that hurts, its the pain leading up to the rupture. Imagine if you will a balloon. Now, you take that balloon and fill it up with water and put it in a tight but expandable fixture. When the balloon gets to a certain point it is going to start putting pressure on the fixture that is holding it. Now, add some more water to it slowly. The pressure will increase and increase until it becomes painful. Right before the balloon is completely full, it is an unbearable amount of pain. It becomes a constant pain that will not be eleviated. If you are lucky enough, you have a high enough tolerance to fool the people around you and behave as if nothing is wrong. That way you can go about your daily life, or you can go to the hospital and pray they actually assist you. At this point we are where the seems if you will of the balloon is spread very thin and are tearing. The balloon then bursts in an outward flick of rubberband. This all happens on a small 2 cm maybe ovary that is covered with tissue, veins, and probably other very important things. This is the types of pain and problems women with PCOS face.
Going back to treatments. Treatment options are hormone therapy, which often includes birth control. These options often help women with this condition. IT DOES NOT help EVERY woman with this condition. There are women like me who have adverse affects from birth control. I started taking birth control for the first time around 12-13 years old. I was in the 8th grade and I remember how weak I felt, how tired I was, and how I lost my appetite. I would often go the day with eating only a bag of chips or a spoonful of whatever my mom made. I would then often find I would become nauseous and throw it all up. So, we stopped that one and tried a different one a few months later. After I was back to my full strength. That one was not as bad. I did not get extremely tired, I was not especially weak. The nausea and vomiting did continue but I was able to hold down most of my food. The problem I did have was that even though my periods had become somewhat regular, I was still in massive amounts of pain for most of my periods. I still managed to loose a lot of blood and grow dizzy due to the blood loss. I also became even more depressed and felt like an out cast. For 7 more years I tried the different birth control pills that the doctors told me to take. Trying to find the right match that would help fix all of my symptoms and not make me more depressed. When I was 16 I went on a break from the medication after some tramatic experiences and an overdose. I returned less than a year later on them and continued until I was 19 and my cyst burst. It was the first and only time that had happened. I swore then that I would not take birth control again. It did not help with the pain, it did not help shrink and deter new cysts from forming, it did make me more and more depressed. So, for  a year or so I went without birth control. Then I tried a new medication called Metformin which I had heard, helped many women with PCOS. After a month or so using it I became very sick and ended up in the emergency room. I had bleed for 56 or so days and need emergency transfusions. I believe I wrote about this before. The doctors put me one 7 months of birth control to stop and help regulate my period again. I was at a loss so I went back on. My husband after two days of me being on it noticed a very big difference in my demenor. I became sad, withdrawn, I had angry outbursts about nothing at all. I had told him before hand that it might happen because I had been that way before, but I stood on the medication for the 7 months the doctor told me to. After I finished it, it took some time for me to go back to being and feeling more like me. My periods were not better or lighter but I was not bleeding for over 30 days anymore. Now, after a year I am trying a new treatment called Provera. My doctor told me this might be more helpful then the birth control I was on before. So writer, I have done what the doctors have asked of me. I have taken every treatment they have suggested. I have done everything I am supposed to do, even when I knew it would affect me mentally and that the treatment would not help. I listened, not just to do what they say, but so I could go back and say "I told you this wouldn't work, I did it anyway,and now you need to find me something that will work".
See the flaw in doctors and in many people, is that we believe they are unfallable. That the things they tell us to do is because they must know it is going to fix the problem. That they tell us no we do not need something because it must not be needed. Why would our doctors put us in a position where our health can be diminished. That doctors know everything that is in their field and therefore should not be questioned. This is not a true statement; every year doctors learn of new medicine that is supposed to be better then the last. Every time a person with a chronic illness is seen by a doctor, that doctor is trying to figure out the right dose, the right medicine, the right something to help, if they can. Science is not perfect and neither are its practitioners. There are doctors who do not recommend a procedure because they believe it is too much of a risk, for them and sometimes for the patients. There are doctors who do not want to do certain procedures because it is money and resources they don't want to pay for. I am a woman on medicaid. I am a woman waiting on disability benefits with no income. Do you think they are going to do a thousand or more dollar operation on me if they can skirt around it. its money they know they might not get back. Its a risk they are unwilling to take. So, instead just go home. Take these painkillers that will help you and let it resolve it self. If it pops come back in and we will make sure there is no damage; if there is we are sorry. That is what the truth is, and yes. in my last post I was ranting and I was complaining. I was letting go of feelings and letting out the pain, just a little bit.
I am not the only one though. These posts are all written and shared so other people who feel like me, who go through things like me, who have people telling them what you told me writer. Can have a place to feel like they are not alone. So, me and everyone else like me can say there are others like me, their is someone else who understands, who can and will stand up even though I am not ready to. This site is my ranting place, where I share what I feel and go through in hopes it reaches others. In hopes that they will open up and start being active in changing things for them. Maybe writer, you have not seen any results to my efforts, but I know that I have been knocking on doors everywhere I turn looking for answers. I know that I have seen countless doctors and that I know what I want. I want and will be healthy. I want and will be a mother. I will not be bullied into getting a hysterectomy before it is absolute necessary and until I am atleast in my 30's. Cause that is not an option I am willing to do. My condition is real, my fight is real, and I will not apologize for my posts or for my complaining. So writer, here is my questions for you. Who are you to put quotes around my condition? who are you to question my truths? What do you know of a persons struggle to healthy? What do you know of the struggle to get what you deserve?
I hope you think about that. I hope you take a moment and look at the people around you that might be suffering. I want you to think about what you say to the people around you who might be going through things. Cause honestly writer, I think you could learn a few things.

p.s. it is my choice when it comes to having a child. It is my choice to say I want to be healthy and have a baby. No one has the right to make a person choose one or the other. It is a doctors job to help their patients achieve everything they want.

management

Have you ever just haad one of those days where your body is in so much pain, you don't want to do anything. The type of pain that stops you in your tracks and makes you take notice. Well, that is what I have been dealing with today. Today, of all days when I have appointments. Instead of being able to do what I was supposed to I laid in bed with a hot pack and pain killers.

Well, lucky for me between sleeping and medicating myself. I was also able to write a few more pages of my new story. It seems to be a good outlet during all this pain. Besides, all that not so interesting things, here is a little bit about my new treatment. SO, as you all know it has been over a month (close to, if not 40 days) since my last period. About 6 or 7 days in I was told by my GYN that I have to be on provera to help with regulating me. I was supposed to wait until after the tests and ultrasound came back to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Since, I found out two weeks ago that I was not. I started taking the medicaion like I was told to, one a day for ten days. Well that ended about three days ago. I had expected that I would start getting it today. What I did not expect was for the pain to start out this bad. As a pre-curser this is not a good sign. I will keep you guys filled-in on how thigs will progress going forward. Until, then wish me good luck cause I am pretty sure I will need it.

Him

The other day I started talking to someone that I havent talked to in several months. Someone I love and care about. He has been in my life since I was 15 years old and somehow impacted my life more then I ever thought he had. Talking to him and answering the normal questions of whats new? what have you been up to? and how are you? have been tough because I dont want to tell him the whole truth.

I dont want to tell him how in the past two years my health has declined very rapidly. I dont want to tell him how the doctors I see scare me because they tell me what I already know. That one day, and one day soon I will have cancer like my mom did; and I probably wont survive it. I dont want to tell him that even though I have tried hard to work and keep my jobs. I just cant anymore because I am so tired. I dont want to tell him that I am bleeding money even more and faster then I do blood on my period. I dont wat him to know that I will probably be evicted from my home i a week, because I cannot afford to pay for any where to live any more. That I am sad and constantly feel alone. That I am tired of fighting sickness after sickness. I dont want to tell him that the rabbit hole I fell into is burrying me alive and I no longer see the way out. I am scared to tell this man, that has seen me in some very dark times that I pray God will let me just drift away in my sleep. To let me gracefully bow out of this...situation. That with every effort I have tried to provide for me and my family. I have been kicked in the crotch and am just too sore to get back up again. 

I know I tell you guys I do not condone or advecate suicide and I dont. Other people out there, you guys have friends and family that support and love you more then you know. They will help pick you up when your feeling low. There is always a way around and through your problems. I can say that for the other women, men, children, and teens out there that feel like death is better. For me though...I am on my last leg. No, I am on my last tippy toe. When it is all said and done, i honestly dont believe there is a way for me to get around, over, or through my problems. 

Uhm what now

So, since the last time we talked and I told you about my lovely huge cyst, new things have developed. 1. I now know the size of my cysts. My left side cyst is 4.97 cm x 4.74 cm and the right one that I was never told was found is 3. Something by 3. Something. 2. I spent around 8 hours yesterday at a hospital that I had heard was very good. Instead of doing surgery on my huge cyst that has been hurting me, they decided to let it resolve it self. Meaning let it either Pop or just disappear. I am however supposed to watch for any symptoms that would require a surgery. For me just having a huge cyst that could cause massive pain is enough for surgery but hey I'm not a doctor right. Well, this post took me all day and I'm pooped. So... Talk to you tomorrow???

This sucks

It's been a while since I last blogged and a few things have happened. Wednesday morning I woke up with a pretty brutal inner ear infection. I rushed to to doctors and was told it was just the beginning and I needed a boat load of medication to feel better. I figure since I'm there I might as well talk to her about the pressure on my left pelvis. I was hoping she would say it was my uterus growing to accommodate a baby. I know crazy since the blood results had come back negative. Instead she says it looks like it might be my ovaries. So, I leave feeling low and praying that maybe she's wrong. Well the next day I go to another doctors place and they give me an ultra sound. They find no baby or my right ovary. All they see is a pretty huge cyst on my left ovary, where I have been feeling the pressure. So, yay for me!!! I have a huge bag of puss on my small delicate ovary , instead of a lovely baby pressing on my delicate bladder. Anyway I was doing okay and the pressure was still there but not hurting me. That is until last night when I was repeatedly woken up by uncomfortable, painful cramping. Luckily I have tons of painkillers otherwise I would still be laid out somewhere crying and in huge amounts of pain. This is where I am leaving cause I have to cook another yummy meal and possibly go to the hospital and have surgery. Cause honestly I really don't want this cyst to pop. I want my ovary to stay undamaged. Well I'll talk to you all later.

ramble, ramble, ramble

There has been a million and one things happening in my life lately, and do you know what the sad thing is... . The sad thing is that even with everything I have been completely bored and doing nothing. I mean obviously not nothing, but still nothing. So, here we go.


The first thing that is very important to get out there is my health. Which is more then one thing in itself. As you all know I have been filing for DSS and SSI because of my PCOS condition which makes it very hard for me to work consistently. Today, when going back to DSS I found that their doctor found me disabled, but only temporary. As in only for three month which is the course of my treatment that I am starting soon... . The only reason why I have not started it is because I want to wait for my ultrasound before I take it. Now, I want the ultrasound because after 26 days of being late, with nausea, insomnia and yet being fatigued, and this incessant pressure on the left side of my pelvis. I am not saying that I am pregnant because saying that and then ending up not being would be incredibly embarrassing and upsetting. So, for now I am just weird and crazy and driving myself up a wall. I hate not knowing what is going on with me. Which on that topic, I still have not heard anything about my physical therapy which in my mind is crazy cause I mean hello pain!!


Besides all of that, there are other things in my life. My book for one, which in my mind is becoming clearer while my ability to write it is getting worse. I am at the library now as I write this and hope that being in a place where there is nothing else to do but write, will help. However, with out any funding to back my book it does not matter if I write a great book. I think what I will do is in my next post give you a synopsis of my trilogy.


The next part of my hectic life is the my business and this blog. Both of which I am trying to make into something big and important. My business, which is not officially a business because its not filed away and stuff, is called MJ Services. It is an idea where everyone helps each other. College students help working families with child care, cleaning, personal assistance, etc. and working families help students by paying them a decent rate that can go towards tuition, travel, books, etc. I think that this would be great, if only I could get all the pieces together. Under MJ Services there is my blogs both Jacks and Into the Arts. For this blog, well I think it is going okay. I wish I was able to get more feedback from you guys cause honestly every time I see a page view I fall in love with you guys more and more. Into the Arts I want to find more artists to showcase. I have been very fortunate to find the few I have been able to show off but, I am pretty greedy and want even more. I also want to eventually sell some art on my blog, and I want to raise money for artist. A lot of people are really into the arts and are great artists with no connections, or people to help nurture their work. I already have a fabulous writing workshop that I would love to bring people into. However, the workshop is about $25 a person. Something that not all artists can afford, especially if they are young. To add a little bit to my need and want to help artists, my husband has also decided to do the same.


On that topic, I told you about how my husband best friend ( or as he says his brother) died. Well his friend was a manager for artists. He had a big heart and wanted to help as many people as he could and his passion was in the arts. Well,  my husband decided that he would continue his friends work, in honor of him. I support this of course, I think there is nothing better. Now, this means that I am also helping him with this and it is being put on my already sweet heavens plate. I normally would not have a problem with this, but I am sooo tired and feel like I am burdened. Not in the sense that I am not happy to do all my projects. It is just sometimes I wish I had an assistant to help me with all of this.

So, there goes a portion of the stuff that is happening. I guess if you made it through and you have anything you want to say, I gladly await your comments below.

Pieces of me

A lot of people who know me, know that I love art. All types of arts, written, musical, drawings, paintings, everything. I believe it's a real way to express yourself and your emotions. 

For me art has been a  life saver. I have always used writing to get out the feelings that I normally harbor inside of me. Anyone who reads my poetry or listens to my spoken word learns about me and my true feelings. People who read my stories, well you get to learn about all my crazy fantasies. Yes, my books are based on what I actually wish would happen to me and no I do not think its weird. If I could draw better, you would see what I see when I look at people. Through the photos I take you can't see much since most of my pictures are of nature. When you listen to my favorite songs you can see my past.

So, yes for me art is everything. For a lot of people art is everything. I've seen and heard tons of people say music is their blood. It is the thing that sustains them. That is true for so many of the arts. 

I  talking to you guys about this because I have posted a few times now that I started a campaign on GoFundMe to assist artists. I would like to invite all of you to help me. I want to raise $500 for 10 artists. This fund will be used to as a scholarship for two workshop dates at The Blue Door. Those of you who have read my posts before should know that The Blue Door is a gallery in Yonkers where a fabulous friend of mine holds a poetry workshop. Now, this is mainly for poets yes, but it is for other as well. While being at the workshop, we use the art around us to write our pieces. We do this a few times with different things to keep in mind. While we do this we get to meet other artists (photographers, writers, poets, etc.) and talk about our journeys. After the workshop we are then invited to stay for Po'Jazz where poets get up to read and they can read while being accompanied by musicians or alone. There is also refreshments so you can get a little courage if needed. I want to take 10 artists and open their world a little more to the other people who love what they love. I hope you guys can find it in your hearts to help me do this! Also, if you know anyone who would like to join please have them email me at mjservices44@yahoo.com . Thank you guys for reading my what I can only assume is part crazy and pleading post. If you made it through give your self a pat on the back then GO to my GoFundMe account and donate anything you can. Even 5$ makes a difference! http://www.gofundme.com/v9usn4m

R K.G

Yesterday I had the unfortunate privilege to go to a wake of a young man. The man was younger then me, not by much but still younger. As I sat listening and watching I found that I was blown away. This 22 year old was loved by so many people; practically all of this city knew and loved him. He was the type of person who loved to help people and bring them together. Now, I never personally met him or knew anything about him until his death. A death that was unnecessary and is saddening. This young man was slain trying to defend him and is friend, and however much that makes him a hero. I am pretty sure his family and friends would have preferred him still here. 

Anyway, I had started to talk about his successful life. By success I do not mean he was rich (materially), I mean he was successful in life. He had a career, not a job, he had a passion and he seemed to a have drive. This young man taken from all his friends seemed to have been truly wonderful. To all of his friends and family out there, you have our condolences for the loss you have suffered. I hope knowing your angel, your king is truly in a better place. I hope you guys have peace  and find a way to finish what he had started. 

News...news read all about it.

Hey guys! I hope you've had a better last few days then me. For me it's been headaches, job searches, trying to connect to my book and of course trying to get an ultrasound. If you guys are like yay she is pregnant, then I gotta say there is no proof. Yes, I am now late 22 days late. However, that doesn't mean much again cause of my PCOS. Right now the ultrasound is to check out my insides to see if I have any cysts currently.  I hope I don't but I probably do. Outside of that crazy messy I was happy when I got to go to my brothers and have a family game day even though I was in a foul mood and wasn't very interested. It was mainly because of my stupid migrain/headache. Besides all of that I will write a little bit about what my husband (or as I call him, my pain in the ass) has been going through. 

Early this Wednesday one of his best friends was murdered and it has been very hard for my husband. Although, I am proud to say he took that hurt and did something productive. He has started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for both the victim's family and so he can donate to other charities that promote anti-violence. I am happy to say that over night he has made $350. I hope that you my readers will also join his cause and donate to the "Stop the Violence" campaign. Please click gofund.me/kenedyfoundation and donate whatever you can.