Take a second and think back, think of when you were 18 and just set out on your own. Maybe it was to go to college, to go traveling or maybe you just wanted to be out and live alone. Do you remember the joy and feeling of anything could happen. Boy, do I miss that feeling. I miss feeling like I could make a difference if I just believed and tried. I miss feeling like I could be and do anything. Don't you?
I miss the idea of anything.
At 12 I was told that I would not be able to have children without serious medical intervention but, for years I held to the thought that anything was possible. That with a family as big as mine it was impossible I couldn't have a biological child. That one day... But in just the short period that I have even had this blog for I have realized that I have been sticking my head in the sand.
This post, article, whichever you would like to call it is about coming to terms with stopping trying to have a baby. I made my decision last month and it's been hard giving up on a dream, giving up on who I have wanted to be. Of course, this doesn't mean at some point I am not going to get my papers together and adopt and foster. That was always apart of our ( Me and my husbands) plan. It just may be sooner then we thought.
It just means that accepting the fact that I will probably never carry and birth a living child, is my new reality.
In light of this I have started to think differently. Instead of begging doctors to help me be a mom, I am talking to them about...well I'm not really talking to them. Right now I don't really see the point in going to the doctor and trying to be healthy. I know that soon I will have to go and get another treatment done, that I will have to go and get my physical therapy completed and other things. I know that life goes on as it has for other mothers.
It's interesting how logically you can understand something. Understand how life is a certain way and that eventually with enough determination you can end up with the basic concept of what you wanted in the long haul. I know that if I save, move and apply to grants then I can become a foster mom and adopt. That I will be a mommy with living babies. I will love them and protect them and they will be MINE. What it doesn't change is I will never feel my baby kick and somersault inside of me. See their first sonogram or hear their heartbeat on a Doppler and stare down at my belly to smile. The joys and annoyances of being hugely pregnant will be missed. As much as I have enjoyed and cherished the few months with my babies I have had, I never passed the first trimester. For the moms who know what that is like My Condolences.
As my brain has try to rationalize and compartmentalize all of these things; my heart grieves openly for the loss. The loss and dreams of the young me. The loss of hope and determination. The loss of my children. I know eventually it will all hurt less. I know eventually that things will be better and honestly that's the only thing getting me through. 
No comments:
Post a Comment