Him II

The other day I wrote a post titled Him. A lot of you read it and have probably been asking yourself some questions. One thing I have heard is "if you do not want this person to know; why would you then post it for the world to see". This is an easy answer. First He does not know about this site. This site has been kept from him for the sheer reason that it talks about the complications I have been facing. So, I feel comforatble putting up here what I have kept from Him and even a few other people. People I know would not look at this blog.

The same person who asked me the question above left a comment on Him. Do not bother looking because I did not let it go up. I did that not because I have anything to hide, or because I am scared of criticism. I did it because I found it kind of rude. When reading it, I actually felt attacked a little bit. Im sure thats not what the writer intended, but that is the way it was taken. So, I had deleted the message. However, it has staid in my head kind of taunting me. So, I want to set a few things straight.

1. I am pretty sure the writer of the comment has not read all of my posts. They stated so themselves.
2. They most likely do not have PCOS
3. They have probably never had a disease that has no cure. oh, wait there is a cure for PCOS. Its to have a hysterectomy.

One of the points in the comment stated that this condition affects many women. Something I know and have talked briefly about. I went back online and looked up the numbers. The site I read said between 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 women are affected by this. I think it should just say 1 in 15 since that is the median. That is a lot of people, but like I said each person has a different case when it comes to this condition. I have heard that women with PCOS are like snow flakes. Each one is different, each one reacts differently. I have had the pleasure of meeting someone recently that was curious about my vague description of my condition. When I told her what it was, she stated she has it as well, but a very minor version of it. She also stated that she has a sister with the same condition who has a more severe version and she understood what I was talking about. How before she never took much notice into her sisters daily activities and how when thinking she realized her sister would often miss a few days from work a month, and how she clearly had to run her life around her condition. Outside of that meeting I had the privilege of talking to other women as well about how they have handled their PCOS. One woman told me how she often went to the emergency room almost monthly because of the amount of pain she was in due to the cysts. She also stated that the doctors would not help her and often would just send her home with pain medication saying that was all they could do. For me, there are months when I do not even feel my cysts. They can often be small and cause me no discomfort. They can also be huge like the one I currently have and cause me daily discomfort. It really just depends on something that I have no idea about. If I did know what caused the cysts to become huge, i would most definetely do the opposite of it.
Another point was brought up about how there are medications, treatments, and procedures that could be done to eleviate my issues. I am pretty sure every woman, every girl is asked and or told this. Each of them are probably like me in saying well, I haven't found one yet. I have spent 12 years of my life trying to find a cure , a treatment that would make me normal. That would make my periods come on time, that would banish the pain I feel every month as my insides shed. Yet, I have yet to find a treatment that helps me. I have asked multiple doctors about surgically removing the cysts. They state that it is not that easy. These cysts are caused monthly because when my body gets ready to ovulate and release an egg, it fucks up. That fuck up turns into a painful bag of puss and apparently blood. So, even if I was to surgically remove a cyst this month, it will not prevent another one from appearing next month or the one after that. Another point brought up is that most cysts resolve themselves. This is a very true statement. Most cysts do resolve themsleves and here is how: Option 1. They shrink and disappear over time. That is an awesome option that I hope happens to all of my and every one elses cysts. However, I am not naive enough to think that will happen. Option 2. The cysts ruptures. This is not such a pleasant way of get rid of a cyst unless you are on heavy painkillers and are positive nothing else will be affected by the rupture. For me the last time I had a cyst rupture it felt like I was shot in my pelvis. I thought I was going to die. The problem is, is that it is not only the rupture it self that hurts, its the pain leading up to the rupture. Imagine if you will a balloon. Now, you take that balloon and fill it up with water and put it in a tight but expandable fixture. When the balloon gets to a certain point it is going to start putting pressure on the fixture that is holding it. Now, add some more water to it slowly. The pressure will increase and increase until it becomes painful. Right before the balloon is completely full, it is an unbearable amount of pain. It becomes a constant pain that will not be eleviated. If you are lucky enough, you have a high enough tolerance to fool the people around you and behave as if nothing is wrong. That way you can go about your daily life, or you can go to the hospital and pray they actually assist you. At this point we are where the seems if you will of the balloon is spread very thin and are tearing. The balloon then bursts in an outward flick of rubberband. This all happens on a small 2 cm maybe ovary that is covered with tissue, veins, and probably other very important things. This is the types of pain and problems women with PCOS face.
Going back to treatments. Treatment options are hormone therapy, which often includes birth control. These options often help women with this condition. IT DOES NOT help EVERY woman with this condition. There are women like me who have adverse affects from birth control. I started taking birth control for the first time around 12-13 years old. I was in the 8th grade and I remember how weak I felt, how tired I was, and how I lost my appetite. I would often go the day with eating only a bag of chips or a spoonful of whatever my mom made. I would then often find I would become nauseous and throw it all up. So, we stopped that one and tried a different one a few months later. After I was back to my full strength. That one was not as bad. I did not get extremely tired, I was not especially weak. The nausea and vomiting did continue but I was able to hold down most of my food. The problem I did have was that even though my periods had become somewhat regular, I was still in massive amounts of pain for most of my periods. I still managed to loose a lot of blood and grow dizzy due to the blood loss. I also became even more depressed and felt like an out cast. For 7 more years I tried the different birth control pills that the doctors told me to take. Trying to find the right match that would help fix all of my symptoms and not make me more depressed. When I was 16 I went on a break from the medication after some tramatic experiences and an overdose. I returned less than a year later on them and continued until I was 19 and my cyst burst. It was the first and only time that had happened. I swore then that I would not take birth control again. It did not help with the pain, it did not help shrink and deter new cysts from forming, it did make me more and more depressed. So, for  a year or so I went without birth control. Then I tried a new medication called Metformin which I had heard, helped many women with PCOS. After a month or so using it I became very sick and ended up in the emergency room. I had bleed for 56 or so days and need emergency transfusions. I believe I wrote about this before. The doctors put me one 7 months of birth control to stop and help regulate my period again. I was at a loss so I went back on. My husband after two days of me being on it noticed a very big difference in my demenor. I became sad, withdrawn, I had angry outbursts about nothing at all. I had told him before hand that it might happen because I had been that way before, but I stood on the medication for the 7 months the doctor told me to. After I finished it, it took some time for me to go back to being and feeling more like me. My periods were not better or lighter but I was not bleeding for over 30 days anymore. Now, after a year I am trying a new treatment called Provera. My doctor told me this might be more helpful then the birth control I was on before. So writer, I have done what the doctors have asked of me. I have taken every treatment they have suggested. I have done everything I am supposed to do, even when I knew it would affect me mentally and that the treatment would not help. I listened, not just to do what they say, but so I could go back and say "I told you this wouldn't work, I did it anyway,and now you need to find me something that will work".
See the flaw in doctors and in many people, is that we believe they are unfallable. That the things they tell us to do is because they must know it is going to fix the problem. That they tell us no we do not need something because it must not be needed. Why would our doctors put us in a position where our health can be diminished. That doctors know everything that is in their field and therefore should not be questioned. This is not a true statement; every year doctors learn of new medicine that is supposed to be better then the last. Every time a person with a chronic illness is seen by a doctor, that doctor is trying to figure out the right dose, the right medicine, the right something to help, if they can. Science is not perfect and neither are its practitioners. There are doctors who do not recommend a procedure because they believe it is too much of a risk, for them and sometimes for the patients. There are doctors who do not want to do certain procedures because it is money and resources they don't want to pay for. I am a woman on medicaid. I am a woman waiting on disability benefits with no income. Do you think they are going to do a thousand or more dollar operation on me if they can skirt around it. its money they know they might not get back. Its a risk they are unwilling to take. So, instead just go home. Take these painkillers that will help you and let it resolve it self. If it pops come back in and we will make sure there is no damage; if there is we are sorry. That is what the truth is, and yes. in my last post I was ranting and I was complaining. I was letting go of feelings and letting out the pain, just a little bit.
I am not the only one though. These posts are all written and shared so other people who feel like me, who go through things like me, who have people telling them what you told me writer. Can have a place to feel like they are not alone. So, me and everyone else like me can say there are others like me, their is someone else who understands, who can and will stand up even though I am not ready to. This site is my ranting place, where I share what I feel and go through in hopes it reaches others. In hopes that they will open up and start being active in changing things for them. Maybe writer, you have not seen any results to my efforts, but I know that I have been knocking on doors everywhere I turn looking for answers. I know that I have seen countless doctors and that I know what I want. I want and will be healthy. I want and will be a mother. I will not be bullied into getting a hysterectomy before it is absolute necessary and until I am atleast in my 30's. Cause that is not an option I am willing to do. My condition is real, my fight is real, and I will not apologize for my posts or for my complaining. So writer, here is my questions for you. Who are you to put quotes around my condition? who are you to question my truths? What do you know of a persons struggle to healthy? What do you know of the struggle to get what you deserve?
I hope you think about that. I hope you take a moment and look at the people around you that might be suffering. I want you to think about what you say to the people around you who might be going through things. Cause honestly writer, I think you could learn a few things.

p.s. it is my choice when it comes to having a child. It is my choice to say I want to be healthy and have a baby. No one has the right to make a person choose one or the other. It is a doctors job to help their patients achieve everything they want.