Grief

I often have conversations about the people I have lost in my life. Many of whom you already know about. In 9 days will be the 53rd birthday of one of the most important people I lost ( that I had with me on this planet). My mother was absolutely everything to me, as you can see from the posts where I talk about her. She is the reasons I am who I am and do what I try to do. In one month and 6 days it will be the 5th year that she will be gone. The 5th year I was torn apart and the 5th year I am still trying to piece myself together.

I talk to people about my loss, my love for, and my heart ache of losing my mom and it amazes me that they expect for me to be over it. They expect that I am no longer saddened or cry about losing the woman who loved me first; the woman who gave me everything she could. I know that in the past five years the pain and numbness has lessened and I am able to think about her now without immediately bursting into tears but, my heart is still broken and I have yet to really begin to mend. 

A lot of times on FB I share things that seem important but, this post really resonated with me to the point of spurring me to action. For those of you who where on our Facebook page ADVENTURES before coming here you may have seen the picture that inspired this post. For those of you who haven't I will write it out here in sections. 

"The reality is that you will grieve forever.you will not 'get over' the lost of a loved one;you will learn to live with it." This is essentially what I just wrote about above. Even after five years my heart is still mainly shredded and the pain is still there. I may not burst in to tears as much anymore but, that is mainly due to the fact that I have had to stop so I can live as normal of a life as I can. If I had the option I probably still would be laid out in bed crying and going over home videos and pictures of my mom and family. However, I did and do have to work, be social and pretty much continue living. Is it hard having new firsts and not sharing them with my mother; yes. It is hard having a tough day and not having her to go to. It was hard getting married and not having her there to support me. Its been hard going through these health issues and not having her here to talk to them about and ask for advise, to not have her go to the doctors with me and help me understand. Yes, I am going to be 24 but, I still wish my mommy was around to go to doctors appointments with. 

"You will heal and you will rebuild yourself yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."

I am most definitely not the same person I was 5 years ago. Yes, partly cause I have grown older and with age a person changes. I was not the same a month, two months after my mom passed. I know that it cost me friends and it cost me family. At some points I even tried to pretend I was the same but, it didn't work because I wasn't. I wasn't happy, I didn't see the world in the same light, and honestly I was a lot quicker to just ignore someone. My mother had kept me grounded and kept me in my family. She was the root that entwined me with them. When she left, as much as I loved and love them; it just was not the same. Their words and criticism were a lot harder to bare, their happiness harder to watch. Every occasion, every interaction with people became either suffocating or not enough. Even after all this time I am still different and not whole enough to deal with many things I used to. 

The loss of a loved one, of a significant person is soul crushing. The loss of a father or mother you are close with; the loss of a child (full term or miscarried); the loss of a loved spouse. These can and do break us down and apart. It makes it hard to pick up the pieces and resume a life that often we do not want anymore. After my mother died, after the loss of my children I didn't want to be around many people;I didn't want to be in the same school or area. I wanted out and to be away. I wanted to take on things that would change me more. I wanted to move to a place where there was no memories of her, cause remembering hurt too much to bare. 

So the next time you talk to someone who has losed someone so deeply apart of them, remember let them be. Do not tell them to get over the pain; do not tell them it's been a long time they should have healed. Grief and pain has no time limit. Healing has no time limit. 

Hold up just a second.

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a lovely Fourth of July! I want to take a second and write about my decision to try and have a baby again. I know that the way it has been documented it seems like I had decided to do it after my, who I hope is a, friend lost the baby she was supposed to have. That is not true. I started trying to conceive in May right after my period ended. The last week of my period I kept thinking about how I really wanted to carry my baby. How I really wanted to give birth. So the week my period ended I got some stuff together and started to try and conceive. A week or so later we were then told about the tragic ending of the other mothers pregnancy. I had planned to write about my ttc that week but, when the events unfolded it seemed mean and so I didn't really say anything. Instead I figured I would keep quiet until I couldn't anymore and that what I did. I don't want anyone to think that the baby I am now trying to have is in anyway me trying to get something back. This has been my goal for years. I lost faith in my self and was willing to admit that I would have to overcome a lot of obstacles to get to a place where even just trying for a baby was capable. I am still in the process of fixing myself as much as possible. I do some day want a baby. Even if it means that I need to rob a bank so I have enough cash to get the Kim lard ashcan surgery that let her get pregnant again. Thank you for listening and enjoy your fireworks!!!!

some more

I promised you guys that I would come back and talk to you about what I have started your curiosity on awhile ago. As you know last month I told you guys that I was becoming a mom in lets face it a less than conventional way. Unfortunately, and I am sorry but i know you read the blog but I cannot go on with telling my life story if I am leaving things out..., the baby was lost. We have since then been grieving in our own ways and I feel that now is a good time to let you guys know as well. This has been something that has affected me and my husband pretty big in the past few weeks. I will not discuss anymore about the other mothers life, feeling, or dealings as I am not sure about all of that at this moment and she deserves her time to be and do what she needs without her business on the internet.
I do follow this up to essentially wrap up another thing that I hinted at the other day but saying I, myself am trying to conceive again. I feel ready to do this again and am right now going through, looking at, and preparing to do a lot of things that will hopefully, ultimately help me have a baby. I will not go into things further in this post because I don't want to brush off the tragic event that happened. I hope you all have a good day!

Me becoming a mom

This is a long and confusing post that I will try to make short. I have been holding onto it for sometime now. Last year I asked my husband and sister if they were okay with her being artificially inseminated. So, me and him could have a baby with both of our genes. Things fell through as things changed for my sister. 

However, my husband took that idea and kind of ran with it. He found an old high school friend (btw his ex that I found out about later). She wanted to have a baby and so did he.

My husband is a good guy with some bad ideas. He came to me earlier this year saying that he talked more to his friend and wants to give me a baby. A baby that we could co-parent with his friend. I of-course thought of all the bad that could happen. 1. They fall in love cause she can give him what I can't 2. She runs away and takes the baby 3. Being a part time pretend mom (really a step-mother) would be worse than not having a child... Or a million and one other things. 

I decided if I could meet her and we could all come to a mutual agreement we could stick to then I could make myself be okay. Anyway, fast forward and she is pregnant. Due the end of this year/ early next. So, pray for me or send me good vibes. Whatever, you believe cause I can us it. This adventure is going to be one hell of a ride.

Mother's Day for the motherless and childless

     Mother's Day is a celebration for children and moms. It's an especially wonderful holiday for grandmothers, moms, and grand kids; since the mom can share her specially day with the people she loves the most, her children and their children. Mother's Day is also seen as a holiday for mothers and daughters specifically. 

      I remember when I was younger scrambling to make or buy presents for my mom on that special day. Since my mom was basically a single parent, she was very special to me. Not to mention the fact that she was an amazing person who understood me for the most part.

       Since her death Mother's Day has been very hard for me. On a day were almost everyone is with someone they love and I had/have no one; no mother figures left close to me to tell I loved them.

        Out side my lack of a mother, another hard factor of Mother's Day is the fact that the pregnancies I have had have all ended in loss. For a person so young ( really any person) can be very devastating. I am sure this is not the first time I have said this and probably not the last. My first miscarriage was when I was 16 years old and it almost killed me. If I had had that baby I would have a 6 year old... . My second miscarriage was almost a year after my mother death and I was 19; which means I could of also has a soon to be 3 year old.

        I know all of this is a lot more info then needed and more than another person might say. I have said I am an open book and for the main part I am (as long as it doesn't infringe on another's privacy or wishes). Any way, Mother's Day is a dual difficult day. As I am sure it is for several women out there. So, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms without their babies. Happy Mother's Day to all the daughters and sons that are missing their moms on this day.

I hope this day is as good as you want it to be!