Life of the medicated

It seems lately I've been apologizing to people for not being able to do things. Well this weekend I spent sleeping and taking pain killers. Not heavy ones but I was in enough pain to finish a bottle. In between that I ate and slept because like most people who are sick that's what's needed rest. Now, I don't have a cold or anything but I am still sick. So, for today I am going to put my holidays posts into one. Thursday after work I went to urgent care because the hospital I had went to as you know did not treat me. 

I talked to the nurses and told them everything; about me hitting my head and my over bleeding. I told them about the pain and fatigue. When the doctor came in to see me she was nice and firm. Granted she told me what I already knew which was I have to fight for anything I want. The problem with that is that in just so damn tired. After fighting with doctors for 11 years, most of the fight has gone out of me.

Anyway, I found out a few things that the hospital should have known and told me about. Like I have a UTI and that my blood pressure when I'm resting to when I stand drops quite a bit. So, atleast the doctor there helped me and I spent my weekend like I said sleeping and taking painkillers. A lot like I spent my week. I am happy though to say that the bleeding has finally stopped and I am once again awake enough to start writing and posting.

Marriage is...

Marriage to some people is a contract that states you have bound yourself to this other person; financially, and physically. Others view marriage as a spiritual connection that ties you to a person you love; where as some have described it as becoming one. 

Either way marriage is something that should be filled with support (fiscal, emotional, and physical when needed), love ( or even just liking the person), LOYALTY, and RESPECT. 

I capitalized the last two because I think those embody what marriage should be. There should be equal respect for both the man and the women. It can be respecting each other's roles in the relationship, respecting their decisions, or even respecting their time and efforts. Loyalty I believe is self explanatory. A marriage is not a marriage if you cannot be loyal to the one you bind your life with. Now, I'm not saying people that swing or people who have pre-arranged agreements are not being loyal cause in a sense they are. They are being loyal in the best way they can be and respecting their partners enough to talk openly and come to some sort of terms.

For me a man who makes plans to sleep with someone else, a man who hits his wife ( or long term girlfriend whose basically common law), and or sneaks around with other people is scum. He is essentially not a man. The same goes to the women and or male (marriage is who you choose to bind yourself with) that helps you be unfaithful. Both people are horrible and deserve to have their hearts broken.  I'm not just saying this about the men m, women the same goes for you if your doing the same things.

Anyway before I got off on a tangent I was talking about marriage and what it should be. I talk to my boss often and the other day this topic came up. We talked about how everyone is different and how you never truly know what happens behind close doors. Also, how people who intentionally hurt their spouses are the worst. We talked about how marriage is something you work at; it's not something that just happens. It's a daily commitment to be your best and to honor the relationship you have with your partner. We also said that if you cannot do that then it's better to let them go. That way they can be happy with someone who can make them happy. I'll leave you here but please feel free to share your thoughts on marriage or committed relationships.

Just Go...

The past few weeks I have been talking to my boss about my issues and she's related some of her own and her families. Well Monday's theme seemed to be just go to the doctors. My boss is a really sweet woman and is always trying to help me make appointments and see a doctor that can help me. 

As it turns out I'm not the only one she's been telling that too. Now, I won't go into her family info cause that's private but for me she's absolutely right. I've seen tons of gyns and some primary doctors but haven't been to a dentist in 2 years. I haven't been to dermatologist in forever (and I need to), or any other doctor I should. It's sad but I mainly end up between variety of gyns, hospitals, and some general practitioners that don't and can't really help me. What I need is to setup stuff at a college clinic like Cornell, NYU, or something and get a good set of docs to help. If anyone has any idea where I can get some fabulous doctors please tell me!!!!

The world of ehh

The last time I left off it was Saturday and I was taking progestrone as given to me by the gyn I had seen. I had, had a bad reaction friday but was doing well. So, yeah that ended. Sunday I had a pretty traumatic incident. While taking a shower I passed out and fell hitting my head on the wall and tubs ledge. Luckily I wasn't bleeding or too seriously hurt. I had decided not to go to the hospital unless anything else was to happen...

... Well it did. The following two days my headache persisted and so I thought it would be better to go to the ER. Well can I tell you! If you are sick, in pain, or need attention do not and I mean DO NOT go to st. Joseph's in yonkers. I've been there more then once and am constantly feeling like they could not be bothered. Now granted the night I went was hectic but that does not explain the lack of assistance. I told them multiple times that I had hit my head and was experiencing a dull pressure that hurt a lot in my head and it had not gone away since Sunday. They ran a blood test and EKG but did not do an x-ray or MRI. The last time I had passed out they gave me both. Having wanted to make sure my head was okay. This time the doctor made it seem like I was there for nothing.

 When I was discharged I asked for a doctors note and over heard the doctor tell the nurse that that was why I had gone to the ER. I got really mad and wanted to say something but I was raised to keep my mouth shut. My husband in the other hand started to yell out curse words. My thing is why shouldn't I be given a doctors note. I told you more then once what happened and you refused to run proper testing. I work with children and cannot be half okay to do my job. If I have a bad headache or am weak or whatever I shouldn't be going to work so yes a doctors note, the results to my blood test or a discharge paper stating what I came in for what the tests said, and a sheet to tell me what I was diagnosed with and should look out for. They did like 1 thibg out of that till I asked. Tell me do you think I was wrong?

internet down...

As you can tell by the title I have been having some difficulty with my internet the past few days. This of course has made it hard for me to write and post on here. Lucky for me I am able to write this post from a friends computer. Yay me! Anyway my last post from what I heard freaked a few people out... not sorry. I am not trying to be normal or fit into boxes people think i should. I am not a statistic to be counted and I am not the person most people think I am. The more i write and the more you learn about me the more you will realize this.
 As far as what has been happening the past few days, well it has been crazy. Earlier this week I went to a doctor that I actually liked because he didn't bullshit me. He told me he couldn't help me and where I can go to get help. He gave me medicine to help lessen the bleeding (which it has) and confirmed what I knew for sometime. Birth control will not help me, it is useless for my situation and I need to be seen by specialist. Unfortunately, my insurance does not cover specialist and so I have to find a way to see them that wont bury me in debt. One fun fact that we will be seeing this upcoming week is what happens when I am on a hormone and then taken off. In 7 years I have managed to not have a D&C, this might be changing very soon. To be honest I am scared of it and hope it does not come to that.
As far as the rest of my life i am taking inventory on what is happening, what I want, and what I can handle and honestly I need a vacation. I know that come June I have planned to take life easier as I am filing for disability so I can focus on getting better and not losing jobs due to my health. Its something I have been told to do for years but I had always put others needs before my own, whether they saw it or not doesn't matter to me anymore. I have decided to be selfish for a while because I deserve to be. I deserve not to stress and be concerned with how other adults deal with their lives. If you are old enough to drink and have kids then your old enough to hold a job, pay your own bills, and figure out how to setup a doctors appointment. Don't get me wrong I love helping people but that is not the only thing I am good for. Sorry for the tangent but sometimes things just need to be said. *that will probably be the only sorry you get from me*
Outside of my slightly dramatic life and and health I find myself trying to transition. I am going to be 24 years old at the end of this year. That's one year closer to 25, were I have to have my life in order. Te pressure to be fixed and situated is becoming a lot and I know I put that pressure on me... but its not just my own pressure. Look around at your friends and family. How many of them are you in competition with? I'm not saying I'm competing because honestly I have my own path to go down but, it would be nice if I was even just at the starting line. My friends they are situated, they are where they want to be and with who they want to be with. I feel like sometimes I'm only a small percentage there...
So, today i leave you with this thought. Who are you in competition with? Who are you trying to beat to happiness? and answer honestly, its not like anyone else will hear you.

Me becoming a mom

This is a long and confusing post that I will try to make short. I have been holding onto it for sometime now. Last year I asked my husband and sister if they were okay with her being artificially inseminated. So, me and him could have a baby with both of our genes. Things fell through as things changed for my sister. 

However, my husband took that idea and kind of ran with it. He found an old high school friend (btw his ex that I found out about later). She wanted to have a baby and so did he.

My husband is a good guy with some bad ideas. He came to me earlier this year saying that he talked more to his friend and wants to give me a baby. A baby that we could co-parent with his friend. I of-course thought of all the bad that could happen. 1. They fall in love cause she can give him what I can't 2. She runs away and takes the baby 3. Being a part time pretend mom (really a step-mother) would be worse than not having a child... Or a million and one other things. 

I decided if I could meet her and we could all come to a mutual agreement we could stick to then I could make myself be okay. Anyway, fast forward and she is pregnant. Due the end of this year/ early next. So, pray for me or send me good vibes. Whatever, you believe cause I can us it. This adventure is going to be one hell of a ride.

Pcos talk & blog

A bit of a ramble but worth the time.   Then again I am biased.  Yes, I am weird.

Mother's Day for the motherless and childless

     Mother's Day is a celebration for children and moms. It's an especially wonderful holiday for grandmothers, moms, and grand kids; since the mom can share her specially day with the people she loves the most, her children and their children. Mother's Day is also seen as a holiday for mothers and daughters specifically. 

      I remember when I was younger scrambling to make or buy presents for my mom on that special day. Since my mom was basically a single parent, she was very special to me. Not to mention the fact that she was an amazing person who understood me for the most part.

       Since her death Mother's Day has been very hard for me. On a day were almost everyone is with someone they love and I had/have no one; no mother figures left close to me to tell I loved them.

        Out side my lack of a mother, another hard factor of Mother's Day is the fact that the pregnancies I have had have all ended in loss. For a person so young ( really any person) can be very devastating. I am sure this is not the first time I have said this and probably not the last. My first miscarriage was when I was 16 years old and it almost killed me. If I had had that baby I would have a 6 year old... . My second miscarriage was almost a year after my mother death and I was 19; which means I could of also has a soon to be 3 year old.

        I know all of this is a lot more info then needed and more than another person might say. I have said I am an open book and for the main part I am (as long as it doesn't infringe on another's privacy or wishes). Any way, Mother's Day is a dual difficult day. As I am sure it is for several women out there. So, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms without their babies. Happy Mother's Day to all the daughters and sons that are missing their moms on this day.

I hope this day is as good as you want it to be!

         

How young people talk to each other

   Nowadays, when I walk down the street, read my texts, or over hear a conversation I find myself often appalled by the way men and women talk to each other. It is almost as if they were not raised with any manners or don't know how to say a sentence without profanity. Whatever happened to being polite? Not polite as in skirting around a topic; polite as in respecting the other people around us.

    A little earlier today I heard what I believe was a husband say to his wife "SHUT UP!!" and then continue to talk to his friends and make fun of her. Honestly, if I had had more stamina, I would have clocked him. I know that is not particularly nice but, I hate rude men. 

       Why is it that we cannot talk honestly but in a way that also uses kind words. I mean how hard would it have been for the man to tell his wife "can you please be quiet while I talk to my friends. Thank You" 

        I don't know maybe I am rambling and filling up space but; tell me have you noticed and gotten pissed about how you hear people talk around you and to you.

Happiness is...

   Hey guys!! So this week has been beautiful outside and I now this cause it's basically what I've been told. Wednesday I spent most of the day sleeping since it was a very bad day were it seems (what can only be) my massive uterus, lining was constantly falling out in huge heaps. I will say this again. If you are squeamish and cannot deal with my Nothing is TMI factor you probably shouldn't be reading this or most of the things I post. 

    To get back on topic yesterday I went to work and had to change two pants that whole day... Lucky me. Normally I wouldn't cause I've tried very hard to master the close my vagina and sit in a position were things pool in a crevice of my snatch. For some reason it didn't work and I was fortunate that I had extra cloths. 

      Today however, I left with one outfit and even though I am still exhausted and bleeding I have gotten a very good friend of mine to help me start working out better. I thought I could work out my self but that is obviously just not true. Granted I do get in good walks and steps but I think now is a good time to go to someone who went to school for this (training) and see what he says to do and have help being pushed to my limit. See yesterday someone very wise told me something that I am going to ask all of you now. She said "what is your happiness worth?" And I honestly told her i don't know.                                             

    I spent so much of my life doing what other people wanted me to do and trying to rebel in smallish ways that my own true happiness I didn't think about. I mean I know I want to be a mom, which I am going to be... Well step-mom...That's for another post, but even though I've tried and stuff I never thought about the full picture of my happiness. I am 23 now and I think it's time I have it some real thought. So, I ask you guys to do this with me. Make a list or take a day (Saturday is a good one) and just think about you and what you want. Not about what other will think or what others would ask or want for you. Think only about you and be honest, be brutal honest with yourself. Now, I hope that when you've done that you will share it with everyone else who reads adventure whether it's on the blog or on the Face Book page Adventures. Tell us what your true happiness would be and then after that what you would do to be truly happy. How much is that happiness worth to you.

WTF

Hey, so I am pretty sure you all had a better day then me. My day started with crazy amount of pain and is ending with a huge fucking headache. Pardon my French, not really. On my way to 'work' and I put it that way cause it feels great and like I am hanging out with friends; I am crying from the amount of pain my uterus thinks is appropriate to have. By the time I get to work my vagina is bleeding like someone went inside with knives and started hacking away( which btw is kid of what the pain felt like) with an entire like side of lining plopping out in a way that makes me feel likes body is stupid. Oh, I know it's already late for this but yes I am very graphic today. 

While I am trying to pretend everything is normal and stuff shits going on at home (all hush, hush can't say shit 😶) that is frustrating  me. However, I still try and keepy composure even though at this point I feel like one of those cartoon characters that have steam coming out of their heads. Lucky for me my boss is very sweet and listens to my spiel and troes to calm me down. I say try because. I am me and I will dwell on things until they are fixed.

Anyhoo, the point of this post was supposed to be about how my vag thinks it's cool to expell huge pieces of what I can only assume is lining, since I was told I wasn't pregnant. This is kind of a pretty normal thing for me but it is still crazy on my mind for multiple reasons. 1. Being that holy crap big giant chunk of my body is sliding out my vag. 2. The amount of pain a body can take and still function (to a point) and 3. The amount of blood expelled in all of this. Plus the fact that if your in someone else's bathroom and you bleed on things, your butt is going frantic trying to clean it all up so no one knows. 

What I would like though is to hear your craziest expert with over bleeding or pain outside 

< than

   Everyday I write on this blog I try to be as open and honest as I can. I try to dig deep and talk about things that bother me and things I think could bother others. For those of you who are on my FB page Adventures or had read yesterday's post update, you know I am interviewing people with PCOS and Endometriosis. What I haven't posted on Jacks yet is how upset I am at the fact that a lot of women (atleast from those I know and have talked to) do not have a support system where they can talk about what they experience; that and the fact that there are so few doctors that 1. Take our complaints seriously 2. Actually help us manage our symptoms and actively try to help us over come these conditions and 3. Know enough about the condition to explain to us what is happening to our bodies. 

   When I talk to people about me having PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome) the first question they ask after what is that, is what causes it. When I hear that I am constantly telling them I don't really know. I know that it has to do with hormones and how my eggs don't function like other women's. That when I am ovulating my poorly developed (or undeveloped) follicles cause cysts to develops. Do you understand this?? I didn't and so I asked another doctor after another what the heck happens that gives me cysts and what causes it. One doctor admitted to not knowing and told me in as dumbed down version as possible into how the cysts form. So basically when we ovulate more then one egg is released and when it's time the 'mature' egg gets sent off the be fertilized  while the others basically dissentergrate... Okay... Well apparently women with PCOS don't do that. The eggs left behind stay there and our body attacks it until it forms the cyst. So, basically what I got from that was my body is stupid and make big painful sacs that hurt me. 

     Anyway, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about how I personally am constantly feeling like I am less of a women. Less of a woman because I cannot have a baby like another woman can. Less of a woman because my hair is thinning and I am constantly having to find a way to cover the bald spot on top of my head. Less of a woman because the doctors made me think that the pain I feel every month was in my head and that all the other women could handle their cramps with out doubling over and crying. Less of a woman because of the random hair growth I find in places they shouldn't be. Less of a woman because when I go to the ER worries about what is happening I am discharged without even being given the courtesy of talking to a gyn or getting a sonogram. However, I refuse to keep feeling that way. I refuse to think I am less than any other woman or person because of how I'm being treated, looked at, or told. So today's post is about me standing up and hopefully with others saying I AM NOT < THAN!

Update

Sorry for the late reply I've been in and out of sleeping all day. Not that long after I posted the dr came and told me he was discharging me because I wasn't pregnant. He didn't want to do an ultrasound or get a ob/gyn to look at me and make sure I was okay. He just wanted me to sign the papers and leave. Lucky for me the nurse made him wait until my anemia levels came in to say I wasn't anemic. However, because my test results were not included in my discharge papers have nothing to give to my gyn and primary for a follow up; or even to look at myself to see what it said. To be honest I am very upset that the hospital didn't do more to help me. I understand that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way and am hoping to interview women with PCOS and endometriosis to hear their stories and share them on here. Message me below if you want to share your story.

Hospital talk

My great adventure for yesterday and today is pretty long and ends with me in the hospital. Hopefully, we will get real answers. 

  Yesterday at the very beginning 12am May 1st. I started bleeding but, because it wasn't much I brushed it off and went to sleep.I woke up for the second time around 1pm and couldn't shake the exhaustion I felt. Not that long afterward I started to bleed heavily and became emotionally very upset for some reason, to the point were I started fighting with my husband. Anyway, as time goes by I feel weaker and weaker. Around 11 ish my roommates start a confrontation that I'm just too tired to deal with. So, I call my landlord to mediate and end up having her drive me to the hospital at 2 am this morning. 

   Currently because we cannot rule out me being pregnant I have been stuck by a needle 7 times to draw blood and do testing. Which btw if someone tries to stick a needle into your elbow RUN and do not stop. I kid you not the pain I had been feeling in my vagina was forgotten when she stuck me there. So, for now I'm laying down waiting until an ob comes in and tells me what's going on. I promise to keep you updated as much as I can and pray for me that I won't be turned into a pincushion anytime soon again. ...

No words

I spend a lot of my time on different apps, forums and whatnots to find people who may need a helping hand or some advice. The story I recently came across has me a bit shaken up with anger. 

A young woman my age (probably why I'm so shaken) is married to a man in the army and is often scared for her life. This 'man' has physically hit her on more then one occasion and when I asked why she has not tried to leave and call the cops her response was "I don't want to ruin his life". Can you believe that this girl/woman whose 22/23 won't leave a bad situation because she doesn't want his life ruined! While he is ruining hers. 

From what I have gathered people know what is happening to her and have not done anything. Now, I don't know if that's because she told them not to or if it's because they just don't care. However, I don't care what the reason is I am so pissed that a man any man but one that our country tries to hold to such a high esteem would do this to a young defenseless woman. 

Let me know what you think in comments below.