Touchy topic

For me touchy topics aren't about my period, the ex who cheated or the crappy things that happened as a kid. My touchy topic is trying to have a kid. I decided to write about my venture into having a baby because well I told you I would be an open book and because someone asked if I could. The answer is I Don't Know but, I am so fearful the answer will be no I can't. As far back as I remember the only thing I have ever wanted was a child. Some girls want amazing husbands, fabulous weddings, ponies, and mansions with cloths and shoes; I just wanted to be a mom. When I was diagnosed at 12 with PCOS the doctor never told me I wouldn't have kids but, when I went home and did the research I grew depressed at what the people online had to say. The thought of me not being a mother was too much and so like most people I decided that wouldn't be me. That it was impossible that a girl from such a huge family would end up with a problem having kids. When I was 16 I lost my first child. I was so devastated that I felt incompetent and useless as a woman. I was so upset at losing a child that ever since I have been trying to get pregnant. I was successful a few times but each time I would lose the baby. At the ripe age of 23 I'm left wondering what is wrong with me and I know it's this stupid PCOS but, that doesn't mean that a part of me still doesn't feel like it's my fault. Like somehow I should be able to fix it and make it so I can have a child. It also gives me these insecurities about whether my husband will still love me and want to be with me a year or five years down the road when all there is to show from our efforts is loss. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way and encourage others to comment or email about themselves. Maybe together we can banish these feelings...or maybe by saying them out loud we can start to fix it. I Don't Know I often feel like a dumb kid but maybe if just one person writes about their experience something good can happen.