Notices

So far this week I have had very few revelations revealed. In fact I learned that my physical therapy still hasn't gotten confirmation from my insurance; leaving that revelation for another time.

 Now, I did hear something today from a nurse who didn't seem to be sure about much other than the fact I am not pregnant...with that being said tomorrow I am going to schedule an ultrasound appointment to check me out before  I start the provera. Hearing that news made me sad but I will find out why am 12 days late with only old blood. 

As far as all my other stuff I haven't had much news. I am though hoping that I will get help funding two things: 1. My gofundme campaign to raise money to cultivate artists art. And 2. To raise money to finish and publish my second book and first novel that I have posted a few chapters of on adventureintothearts.blogspot.com. That campaign is on kickstarter and called darkness.

Well let me know what's going on with you! Share in comments below or on my FaceBook page Adventures. Also, don't forget to check out my Paypal store MJS-Adventures. 

Just so you know

So, there's probably a lot for me to say and I probably won't have a lot of time to do it. Right now I'm going to try and tell you part of it.... It's random 

So far this week I have been focused on getting my doctors in order. So far I have a new gym/ob, I have a physical therapist, and I'm not sure what the other guy is but he is going to help me get a reduction. I am also currently 8 days late. Now, that doesn't mean much since anyone who has had PCOS knows period do not come on time. My gyno has done a hormone panel on me and hopefully by Monday or Tuesday I will know if I am pregnant this month. If I am not I will start provera for a few months to see if it helps me. As well this week I will find out how many days I am eligible for my physical therapy to help with my back and neck pains. Outside of all that I will also hear from some people about whether they think I am disabled or not. 

Next week is a big time for things to be revealed and for more goals to be crossed off. I'll try to keep you all updated with whatever I find out. Have a good weekend guys. I will not be posting here this weekend unless something pretty big happens. So, come back next week to find out what happens.

Oh... Well...

Someone asked me the other day what I was doing for my birthday. I told her 1. That's 6 months away and 2. My birthday is Christmas there is no planning. As many holiday babies can testify to having a party, hanging out with friends on a day that everyone is with family is not going to happen. 

The first thing outside of what's above that came to my mind was HOLY COW I am going to be 24 years old by the end of this year. Can you believe that?! Cause I certainly can't. I mean I know I am 23 and logically 24 comes after but, most of the time I still feel like I am 20/40 ( depending on the day). I feel that way because of where I am today. 

• not gainfully employed • living in a room in someone else's house • I am married but, to be honest it is rocky

Earlier I posted about my goals and in this post I want to integrate it with how I feel about getting older. In my mind when I am 25 years old my life has to be down pact and nearly perfect. • have a job ( my business and be able to do it from home) • have my own place • have a better marriage • have my health together • BE A TRUE ADULT: I know that's a broad statement and what exactly is a true adult. I'm not honestly sure but, it's not where I am. So, for the next 6 months this is what I am going to accomplish, for myself. • SSI • Have a good and full set of doctors • get my health on an even level ( not perfect but better than now) • Have my own apartment again • have a healthy savings. What do you guys thing? Do you think I can achieve that in alittle less than 6 months?

Goals

For a long time I have made goal lists, whether they are daily, weekly, monthly or as you can guess yearly. I would go through whole notebooks with these lists and even my, at one point, fascination of numbers (finance, numerology, etc.). My goals were often simple like : •workout for 30 minutes (very rarely did that) • So 3 assignments for class • make a dr. Appointment 

Or bigger things like: • apply for grants • look at fertility treatments • look at case studies

Lately my goals have not really been getting done. For instance my goals for this blog. 

• post daily • talk about getting healthy • finish posting pages on other girls interviewed • talk more about case studies • offer my readers more • get funding

I find that no matter how many times I write down and try to complete my tasks, there is always more and almost feels like less time available to do them. However, even with all my daily goals or if you prefer "to do" list, I manage to get one of my biggest goals complete. TO STAY ALIVE, to want to see tomorrow. Those are my biggest ones and even sometimes the hardest. What is your goal list?

A peek...

Just for a second I'm going to lower all my defenses and let you all see inside of me. If I was 100% honest with you all I would tell you how truly fucked I am. How I have battled with depression, suicide, and more. So, let me be 💯. 

One of my earliest memories is of me around 4 years old in my aunts/grandmas apartments bathroom trying to slit my throat. I don't remember why I thought about it or how I got there just of seeing my self in the mirror and the thought of how easy it would be to end my life. As we all see I didn't go through with it. However, that was not the last time I tried. For years after I continuously tried to die. As a kid I would write on my skin with markers or pens in hope I would get poisoned (like my mom used to tell me I would) and it would be the end. As I got older I began to drink and take pills. I would often take too many in hopes that I like the people on TV would either die of an overdose or end up in a coma. I even used to cut myself and try stabbing myself so I could bleed to death. However, I never was able to die. At one point when I had reached one of my lower points I did successfully overdose. My father and mother helped pump my stomache and I was horrified by the experience of throwing up all night. Though, I never stopped trying to die. Armany points when I was 17/18 even older, I would walk out into traffic hopin I would get hit by a car. I stopped after awhile cause I didn't want to be the cause of someone else's death. So, instead 3/4 years ago I let myself be checked into a hospital and under went some pretty intense (in my opinion) therapy and it helped me. I was finally able to handle life again for the main part. I was still drinking and started a habit of smoking pot but, I wasn't actively trying to die anymore. After 17 years or so of wanting to be dead, I was finally trying out living. For about a year or so it was goin well. I was enjoying life and then the depression started to come back. Today I still struggle with my will to want to live. Often I feel unworthy of life and like it would be better for my family and friends if I was just to die. I often feel that's what they want... For me to be dead so they could just forget me. It hurts that I feel that way but it's something I was never able to fully shake. It's like a little devil whispering in my ear for 20 years how everyone I know would be happy if I disappeared or died. That I'm a no one who just brings everyone down and every day I have to fight with that voice and try and convince myself that I am worth something. That I have a purpose and that the people around me love me and want me to be in their lives. I want the people out there that feel the way I do to try and find someone who can help you see that the little devil that whispers mean things to us is wrong. In 23 years and a shit ton of people in and out of my life I have yet to find someone who can convince me the devil is wrong but, I'm hoping to. 

...these...

Endometriosis is the second condition I believe I wrote about. It also happens to be a very painful one. 

Endometriosis is often a painful disorder in which tissue that normally would line the insides of your uterus (endometrium) grows outside of it. It's called endometrial implant and it commonly involves ovaries, bowel, or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, it may spread beyond the pelvic region. 

The tissue that spreads continues to act as it normally would and it thickens, breaks down, and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Since it is not in the uterus it generally has no way of exiting and becomes trapped. When involved with ovaries, cysts may form called endometriomas. The surrounding tissue often become irritated and eventually developed scar tissue and adhesion ( abnormal tissue that binds organs together).

Pain is sometimes severe especially during a period. Fertility problems may develope due to scar tissue or the tissue obscuring the Fallopian tube making it hard for the sperm and egg to meet. 

The symptoms of this disorder is • painful periods which is called dysmenorrhea. It can start days before your period begin or extend several days afterward. The pains will include the lower back and abdominal area. It can lead to pain with sex or using the facilities. • excessive bleeding is another symptom as well as • infertility • fatigue • bloating • nausea • constipation and/or • diarrhea.

I believe this is one gross and painful disorder. Again, I got the definition and symptoms from the MAYO Clinic and hope this explains endometriosis to you better. 

define...

In the next few posts I am going to re-define and hopefully clearly define all the conditions I have talked about the past two/ three months. All of these definitions come from the MAYO Clinic and so, hopefully they are as accurate as possible. I will even include some of the symptoms that you will see fit what I have told you...Lets start from the beginning.

PCOS- PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome
Is a common endocrine system disorder. I should not have to say but I will for WOMEN of menstruation age. Now, because PCOS is varies between person,   You may have enlarged ovaries that contain small collections of fluid. Those are called follicles and they would be located on both ovaries. As well, you may have infrequent or prolongedenstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity. 

The exact cause of PCOS, as I have said several times, is unknown. Symptoms that help diagnose you are •irregular periods- I.e. Menstrual intervals longer than 35 days. Prolonged periods can be either scant or heavy. •excess androgen- elevated male hormones may result in physical signs and is the one thing basically all PCOS patients have in common. It leads to facial or body hair, adult acne, and/or male pattern baldness. **I will never tell you what I have** • PCO- PolyCystic Ovaries that become enlarged and contain numerous small fluid-filled sacs that surround the eggs.

This is my more in depth, hopefully helpful definition and whatnot of PCOS. Sorry it took so long but again if you have any questions message me or comment then and I'll try and answer.

need relaxation...?

Hey, so a little bit outside of my normal talking points I am going to write a very short and almost facebook/ twitter like blurb about something I had talked about in the beginning of my blogging days. I am not sure if you guys remember but, I pretty much did an advertisment for this Spa I went to. I really liked the services and so I thought I would share with you all. That is what I am doing again. if you don't want to here about their new offer or cannot come and be a part of it then that is okay and you can stop reading there will be another post going back on track later today. If you are interested and can come to the Riverdale area (that is the Bronx) and want a nice relaxing hour or so then please continue and I am sure you will be very happy!

Any way I just got word that starting this Tuesday June 16th that the Spa Chen Skin Care & Spa will be doing a special. They will be giving out FREE and yes I did say FREE Microdermabrasion and glycolic ( I don't know if I spelt it right or what it is) peel for three days; that is Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of next week. Of course, like all good deals there is a bit of a catch. First you have to buy a seaweed facial, which I heard was nice, and Second you have to know a Code word. Now, if you are interested here is their website chenskincare.com , from there you can get their address and number to make an appointment. You can also find them like most businesses these days on Facebook and Twitter. Now, for the code word and to me its a pretty special one in my opinion but I am snarky and opinionated... the code word is SUMMER01.

If you use this and go to the spa please leave comments on what you think of the deal down below. I am tempted to go do it my self but am not sure how I would feel about a seaweed facial... However, if you guys go and tell me it is good then I will definitely make an appointment and go see for my self. Until then I am going to stick to my signature or acne facials, eyebrow waxing, and eyelash extensions from there.

some more

I promised you guys that I would come back and talk to you about what I have started your curiosity on awhile ago. As you know last month I told you guys that I was becoming a mom in lets face it a less than conventional way. Unfortunately, and I am sorry but i know you read the blog but I cannot go on with telling my life story if I am leaving things out..., the baby was lost. We have since then been grieving in our own ways and I feel that now is a good time to let you guys know as well. This has been something that has affected me and my husband pretty big in the past few weeks. I will not discuss anymore about the other mothers life, feeling, or dealings as I am not sure about all of that at this moment and she deserves her time to be and do what she needs without her business on the internet.
I do follow this up to essentially wrap up another thing that I hinted at the other day but saying I, myself am trying to conceive again. I feel ready to do this again and am right now going through, looking at, and preparing to do a lot of things that will hopefully, ultimately help me have a baby. I will not go into things further in this post because I don't want to brush off the tragic event that happened. I hope you all have a good day!

a little bit

I'm horrible and its not all my fault... Okay it is because well I should be doing more and better. However, when a person is in the middle of going to the hospital, offices, trying not to pee too much pain, and forgets to pay the internet bill we can all give them some leeway (I am aware that I probably spelt that wrong. Please either leave it alone or tell me the correct spelling in the comments)...right so life without blogging has been disastrous for me. I miss writing and filling you guys in on what has been going on. I'm sure most of you are saying yea, yea get on to the part where your peeing blood cause that shit is just not good, and you know what you would be right.

Remember about three or so weeks ago when i told you i went to urgent care and they found out I had a UTI and the hospital didn't catch it. Well apparently either one of three things happened: 1. the pills they gave me did not work and the infection continued 2. I didn't take the pills right and the infection continued or 3. I got another UTI and this one is way worse. Either way all i know is that it is bad enough that my bladder is now adding blood into the waste category and I'm freaking out like I'm going to die. The doctors though have let me know that I will more than likely be okay and just gave me another round of antibiotics. I truly hope these works!!

On the other hand the things I have been doing or rather keeping up with.
this is very important to me. My cousins have had another baby and it a BOY!!! I am so very happy and proud of them. From what I have seen they did a great job with my niece and I am sure they will be great with this new addition. Not only is that happening but my cousins wife's sister in-law also welcomed a new bundle of GIRLy goodness into the family. Both gave birth the same day and I am intrigued to see how these two grow up!

I will be writing more and don't worry I will not leave you hanging about my last post and by the end of next week I hope to have you all caught up in my stories/ adventures. Also, hit my up o facebook (Adventures), i love to here what you have to say and if you want to share anything going on with you. I am still in the middle of looking up some cool stuff and will be spending sometime going back over my old posts and making sure I have filled you in on everything I possibly can. I will also be posting soon following up about me becoming a mom... So stay in touch, share your favorite posts, and let all your friends know about this blog. If you have any suggestions, questions, or insights please feel free to message me. There is a contact form at the bottom of the page if you are on the computer. If you are mobile you can drop me a line on facebook (again the page name is Adventures), twitter (@mjsserve), or even snapchat ( mamilinda1022 ( please do not make fun. its not nice. lol)
Have a good day and seriously come back for more fun information lol.

Pop up

So I'm gonna pop by today do a little spiel then maybe disappear for a little bit again but, I swear it's not my fault.

I'm not sure if I told you last week I went to my doctor again and had some tests done on my levels... Hold on let's make sure your fully up to date. 

I ended work March 28th and since then have pretty much been home sleeping and not much else. Here is what's I have been doing.

•sleeping (already said just like saying it)

•trying to get rid of headaches that just would not go away

•urgent care (I told you about my visit)

  • my test result were low but not low enough to warrant any true worry

• S.S disability (it's really hard working and you know not bleeding to death)

• dss (yes, that's welfare do not judge me as I have not judged you. I am unemployed and barely able to walk a block with out feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack)

• primary doctor

   • test now suggest there is need to worry

• oh did I mention I'm thinking about trying for a baby again....

Back to the beginning. I have been busy and yet not really. According to my primary my levels are pretty darn low and it explain the headaches, the dizzyness, the need to constantly be asleep, the rapid heartbeat that makes me feel like I'm going to die. I know I say that a lot but that's how I feel. Anyhoo as I write this I am battling off yawns and so if this post is not 100% coherent please understand that I'm basically half asleep writing this because I miss you guys as my readers and want to go back to the happy days. Well maybe I should tell you more when I make sense... Hmmm night ya'll and I promise to fill in any of your questions.

Depression

Yesterday I meant to write about mental illness and how it can affect anyone but instead I cried myself to sleep. So, I'll write about it today. Not a lot of people know this but I suffer from depression and anxiety. At a young age I was diagnosed as manic depressive and as I got older with anxiety. I have a difficult time in a crowd of people and often feel judged and like it's difficult to be social. Hence, why I spend a lot of time sequestered away and ready stories. I have learned that for me writing is a great outlet. It's a way for me to communicate without getting mixed up and jumbled and its a way for me to get out my emotions. I'm sure not a lot of you understand. First your probably wondering what manic depression is, well the best way I can describe it, is bipolar disorder just not so fast. My emotions are roller coasters that effect me physically and emotionally. I have literally say and had a nice conversation with someone about happy topics and tears would fall from my eyes or I could be very giddy and laugh and be comfortable talking with people as if I were drunk and then the next day cry and want to die. My emotions don't always come with a warning but when they do, I try to brace  myself and the people around me. Depression has made my life harder and the situations I go though more difficult. Sometimes I have the blessing/ curse of numbness which does nothing but prolong whatever sadness I may end up with. I don't think I can cover it all in one post but be sure to know I will be talking more about it. For now be open and understanding to the people around you. You never know what they have gone through or are going through.