One of my earliest memories is of me around 4 years old in my aunts/grandmas apartments bathroom trying to slit my throat. I don't remember why I thought about it or how I got there just of seeing my self in the mirror and the thought of how easy it would be to end my life. As we all see I didn't go through with it. However, that was not the last time I tried. For years after I continuously tried to die. As a kid I would write on my skin with markers or pens in hope I would get poisoned (like my mom used to tell me I would) and it would be the end. As I got older I began to drink and take pills. I would often take too many in hopes that I like the people on TV would either die of an overdose or end up in a coma. I even used to cut myself and try stabbing myself so I could bleed to death. However, I never was able to die. At one point when I had reached one of my lower points I did successfully overdose. My father and mother helped pump my stomache and I was horrified by the experience of throwing up all night. Though, I never stopped trying to die. Armany points when I was 17/18 even older, I would walk out into traffic hopin I would get hit by a car. I stopped after awhile cause I didn't want to be the cause of someone else's death. So, instead 3/4 years ago I let myself be checked into a hospital and under went some pretty intense (in my opinion) therapy and it helped me. I was finally able to handle life again for the main part. I was still drinking and started a habit of smoking pot but, I wasn't actively trying to die anymore. After 17 years or so of wanting to be dead, I was finally trying out living. For about a year or so it was goin well. I was enjoying life and then the depression started to come back. Today I still struggle with my will to want to live. Often I feel unworthy of life and like it would be better for my family and friends if I was just to die. I often feel that's what they want... For me to be dead so they could just forget me. It hurts that I feel that way but it's something I was never able to fully shake. It's like a little devil whispering in my ear for 20 years how everyone I know would be happy if I disappeared or died. That I'm a no one who just brings everyone down and every day I have to fight with that voice and try and convince myself that I am worth something. That I have a purpose and that the people around me love me and want me to be in their lives. I want the people out there that feel the way I do to try and find someone who can help you see that the little devil that whispers mean things to us is wrong. In 23 years and a shit ton of people in and out of my life I have yet to find someone who can convince me the devil is wrong but, I'm hoping to.
No comments:
Post a Comment