Midnight rant

I always find it interesting that in the quiet hour of night when your thoughts crowd your mind; epiphanies- revelations, awakening come upon us. I think it's because our conscious mind is to close to shutting down to keep it all at bay. 

Well for me tonight, I've had what I think may be a few. The past few months I've talked about my passions, my cause, my conditions and diseases. I told you how I go a mile a minute because I cannot stand to go slow when it comes to people's lives. However, even though I wouldn't for a second go any slower for my cause, my life is always a million thoughts and a million things I want to do. See, I want to fix the broken cracks I see. I want to give homes and love to the stray animals and shelter pets; I want to give homes and love to children that do not have a good home or no home. I want to share my poetry, my art and the arts of others. Not critique it and hinder their art but encourage and help them grow like someone has done for me. I want to have a huge company that will help the employees and clients. I want a million things and I forget that I'm one person. I forget that input so much out into the world all at once that I confuse people. That I appear to be flaky, unorganized, a scammer in quick schemes. My brother told me that I have to take my time with my ideas and fully think them out before starting. All I want to do is have things be great already. I guess you can say that when it comes to my projects I have little patience. 

I think for me and a lot of people who throw themselves heavily into their work and projects, that we do it cause we are broke in the silence, we are broke and uncomfortable when things stand still. My husband asks me a lot why are you always watching TV or reading, I told him because for as long as I do that, I can pretend to be someone else. Something, I'm sure more people than I do. 

From previous and really the more later posts on my blogs I know you all have seen the depression and often despair I feel. So, for me getting out of my life, out of my thoughts, out of the weight of things I feel I am supposed to have done, is a blessing and release. The purpose that picture films were made for. The reason why they are such a success. 

So, I'm not sure where I am right now in this post but I know that I can tell you. Everything I blog, everything I post on social media I plan on doing and doing it right. I plan with people's help or not to help cancer patients and their families with my charity. I plan on working every job if I have to, to help working families, I plan on doing good and hopefully great things with my blogs that will help and reach people hopefully. I plan on continually speaking out about PCOS, Endometriosis, and depression. I plan on doing everything I can for everything I listed here. I hope you guys will follow me, help me, encourage me and each other. I hope that you will share and tell me more about what you think will be helpful. However, if you don't then it was nice having you around so far. I hope and pray that life gives you all you want, but I will do it alone if needed. 

another one

Its been a pretty long time, over a week since I last wrote here. If I am honest its because I've been feeling really down about life and the things that have been happening. I'm sad that my husband is having problems with his own depression and the way he has been dealing with it. I'm sad about my own depression that I have let my self wallow in for sometime. I'm sad that people look into my life with judgement and criticism. Critics yes, can be helpful when done correctly and politely. The criticism I have been facing lately really has just made me want to give up and in. A big part of me would love to do that, just roll over and keel or just step in line with the monotony of office work.

For years I have been told to just go to work in an office. To sit in some cubical because it pays okay and that's what people think is best. I cannot imagine something more dull and life draining. To be perfectly honest the first and foremost reason I do not want an office job is because I would be sitting my pretty little ass down in a chair staring at a screen inputting information for 8 hours a day for 5 day a week for 52.17777 weeks a year. I would probably shoot myself and someone else. Even just being at home looking at a screen for over 2 hours for fun gives me headaches that make me shut down my screens for a bit. Not to mention the fact that if I was to obtain a regular office position and went in to work during my period, I would be hiding in a hopefully private bathroom or have to put a shield around my cube. Can you imagine the horror on people faces coming in to the bathroom seeing a trail of blood or worse a mess of it. How bout them coming over to my cube for information and because I bled through my cloths and into the chair they smell the blood that has been seeped into the chair cushion for the past hour or so. Now, sure you can say "your just making excuses" but think about if it was you. think about if you had to always be careful not laugh or cough cause blood could squirt out, or even just try and pull in everything in hopes it would keep your naturally very heavy flow from just coming out. How would you feel about being in a highly crowded area, with no privacy, and where anyone could see or smell that your bleeding. I remember in high school and junior high when girls would first get their period and how people could be so rude and mean. If you think that's changed as the people grew older your wrong. Its just become quieter, the whispers have turned into real whispers and people are still ostracized. So, NO I am not going to just take an office job cause it could be easier work.

I'm also very tired of people judging my condition without living it. Sometimes I wish I could take those people open an artery and say okay now you live with that and remember you cant let it scab over for several days/ weeks. I'm pretty sure that person would run to the hospital and say stitch me up please before I die! Honestly even outside of my crazy little scenario here people really need to stop thinking they know better or because they can do a google search they know all the information. A google search is nice you get a part of the information needed, but honestly you know diddly squat until you've lived with the condition. Until, you and that person have gone through the same things. Its okay to want and help, but be productive then. Saying oh you are this way because you do this or I read you are this way cause of this. What is that! Instead saying hey I know this great farmers market where we can get a bunch of great fresh vegetables and fruits, want to come with; or hey I heard that there is a new study out that is looking for someone who has the same symptoms as you do, want to apply here is the website. Do something productive and less destructive. Most people who critic someone like me do not know half of what they are talking about. Yesterday, I was talking to someone and they were telling me all the things I was doing wrong, all the things I should change. I turned around and asked them do you know anything about my condition and he said no. So, if you know nothing about my condition, the treatments I have been on, the way I eat both publicly and privately then how can you tell me what I am doing wrong or be of any assistance. Your judging me on face value, not on substance. Learn at least something about what I am going through, ask me questions about what I have done, then after you learn then you can say something. Then you can say "Well you know what jacks. I have been with you during your period, Ive seen how it has affected you first hand, I have seen the way you eat, exercise, and conduct your general life. Here is what I think about it all". That doesn't happen though and that is something that will probably never happen, so until it does people should take their destructive criticism and shove it. You want to help me be productive, tell me things that add to my life. Tell me a place I can get cheap good veggies and fruit. Tell me a cheap place I can go swimming again. Tell me about a support group I can join where I can talk to other women like me that have depression, anxiety, and PCOS. Tell me what books I should read to become better at my business, my blog, my life. Tell me something useful, if you cant then just stay quiet. Keep your destructive words and UN-useful information.

Until next time everyone, be safe, be loved, be useful.

Happy thoughts

A few thoughts today that I thought I would share with everyone. 

My first is how happy I am with my self. Even though I haven't been perfect I have lost 4 lbs. in the spand of one week that's not bad. I plan on continuing and building off it but am still excited. 

My second thought is how I want to try and build up my campaign. As you all know I am raising money for a foundation I started, The Romero Foundation. It's important to me as you can see on my other posts. So, I was thinking about holding a bake sale in van courtlandt park selling both really yummy and some very healthy snacks. One to get my cause out there more and to raise more money for the campaign. If it is a success which I hope it is, I hope to do a bbq or dinner next. Let me know what you think about my idea! Would love to know!

Blarg-a

I told you in my last post that I plan on keeping you guys in touch with how I do. Eating healthier has been easier then I thought. I've been goin back to having smoothies. 

I have been cooking meal like steak stir fry with a medley of vegetables. I have even been eating more raw fruits.

Things I had stopped doing after I became married. I'm not going to say everything and everyday was healthy. I've had a can here or there of chef boyardi and I've had soda the past two days. I also had fried chicken with my rice. However, I'm proud of my small steps. Each one leading me to a healthier me. 

As far as working out, I haven't done nearly what I had hoped. I am not rushing to get into intense and hard work outs but I did want to start walking a minimum of 10-20 minutes a day. Today I have not done that, but I have done some crunches and other things. 

I've also been lucky enough to find a weight loss partner. Someone I can message for encouragement and give my support to. She has decided to do weekly weight- ins and I think I'll start doing that instead of daily weight-ins. I also want to remind me and others that it takes time to become and live a healthy life. 

Remember don't be hard on yourself cause I won't be. This is a marathon not a race. 

My Opinions & Rants on Recent Events

August 5, 2015 at 1:37pm

Okay, there has been a lot going on as of late. Every so often, I like to write my opinions on certain things because I'm tired of people being ignorant. So let's start this, shall we?

1. Cecil the Lion vs Attacks on the Military: I don't approve of any sort of game hunting. I think people who think it's a good idea to kill an animal just because they can, and/or because it can fix/keep safe this or that or whomever, are ignorant assholes. That being said, the fact that a lion has garnered more attention and support than our military members who have been attacked on US soil is disgraceful. Obviously, people's priorities are seriously misconstrued in this country. The day that we realize this too late will be the day I'm moving to Ireland.

2. Confederate Flag: Those of you who think it's great that it's being taken down and banned and what not, obviously are sheep. It's part of US history. At this rate, next you're going to say that the original flag that has 13 stars for the original 13 colonies is offensive to British descendants and demand THAT be taken down and banned too. Get off the band wagon and get a damn education.

3. Ronda Rousey: If you think she looks masculine or have any other horrible things to say about her, you're obviously a misogynistic asshole. She's beautiful, she's strong, she's a bad ass, she's the kind of inspiration and idol I'd want any daughter(s) I have to look up to. Better her than some of the half naked, idealized crap that the current generation is subjected to.

4. The immigration laws, or lack there of, have caused a lot of controversy. My opinion? No, I don't like that the people who come to the US illegally get treated so well when our own citizens have to struggle every day to survive. They shouldn't be given hand outs. How can we help them, when there are homeless children & adults who could use it far more than somebody who came here just for a free ride. As for the whole argument that includes the country's treatment of Native Americans throughout history, I think that's disgraceful too. We took away their lands, treated them like dirt. They are the ones who we should be giving land back to as well as restitution. They deserve far more than the illegal immigrants.5. $15 an hour: You people who think that's what you deserve for flipping a burger and scooping up fries are greedy, lazy jackasses. You obviously are the ones who fall under the category of people who don't want to have to work hard for anything in their lives. I'm 24 years old. I have a part time job that barely helps me pay bills and still take care of myself. Yet I have to live at home because I don't make enough to have my own place or even get a place with roommates. However, I know that this is how it is sometimes and it can get better. I've worked retail, in a kitchen, as a server, as a cleaning person. I've done everything I can to get by. You don't see me demanding more money for the jobs I've done. It's building skill and experience so that when I do find a steady career, I can honestly say that I've learned several skills that will help me do the best I can in that field. If you want $15 an hour for doing the things that don't even come close in comparison to those who don't make nearly that much doing things that are far beyond your level of intellect and skill, you obviously have no idea what the real world is and should be thrown into it without a single helping hand.

This may anger or offend a lot of people, and that's okay. However, I will not apologize for a single word of it.

May the Goddess Protect you.

---- I would like to say as Jacks I do not necessarily agree with everything stated here. I am happy to introduce our new writer here on Jacks and hope you all enjoy her articles.

My cause

I often forget not everyone's minds run as fast as mine. I often forget that the more I put out there and put on my plate can confuse the very same people I am hoping to recruit. 

I'm saying all of this because my husband just asked me what the slogan of my campaign is and I told him I don't know. He followed it by what is your cause. I replied that I want to help everyone who has been affected by cancer. That's a big number and the number rises daily with each new diagnosis. 

In 7 years since my mom was first diagnosed, I have seen and met a lot of people who have been affected by this horrible disease. Three of my moms friends that I can just remember lost their fathers to cancer in the two years my mom fought. The people she met at chemo and during Relay and more; some died, some went in remission only to come back after a few month or a year. I watched the people around me in the chemo centers and saw their brave faces and almost plastered smiles as they fought death. 

After my mom died and I hung everything up. I met a few people, kids like me who lost their moms. The first person who told me their mom had cancer was my friend from elementary. She and I lived only a block from eachother. Her mom fought for many years. This past year my friends mom went to heaven. Leaving behind four children and husband. The second person I met was in a class with me. We started talking and found out our mothers not only died the same month but in the same hospital. Another friend lost her mom 4 months ago from cancer and everyday is a struggle. She is 22 and pregnant with her first child... Can you imagine going through that? 

I looked up recently a number. A number that says 2.85 million children that have a parent with cancer. Those are numbers just in the U.S. 

Parents can you imagine your daily activities: work, cooking, picking kids up, checking on them and their work, cleaning, paying bills, running your kids around... And then add to that fighting for your and their lives. Taking off from work for treatments and doctor visits, surgery, losing your energy, and trying to shield your child from the worse of it. I talk about fighting for your life cause of the cancer; I talk about fighting for their lives cause they are affected. 

I was 16 when my mom told me she had cancer and was moving to ny. That I would stay in Pa and finish my senior year. I could if I had to every detail of that day from the moment she took me to the restaurant. I remember the whole time thinking my mom is going to die and I won't even be able to be there with her. The first two or so months of living alone I spent every day wondering if she was in the hospital or not. Only to learn later she was and I couldn't help her. I remember moving back to be with her and being half awake most might scared I would pull a wire or something from her at home radiation box. Keeping my ears alert for the sounds of her pain so I could warn my aunt and uncle we had to go to the hospital. My mom sheltered me as much as she could even with all of that but my life was forever changed like the rest of my family the second she was diagnosed. 

My cause, my mothers cause is born from our hearts, experience, tears, and hope that others can have a better experience. That the next 16 year old, 10 year old, 18 year old who is told their parent has cancer won't automatically think " my parent is going to die". That they get more birthdays like Relay for life slogan says. That they don't have to go through the agony of burying their parent too soon. My mom died at 48 years old, to kids that may be old but for the rest of us we know that was way too young. 

So far I have talked about older patients with cancer and the effect it has on their children. What I haven't told you is about a remarkable little boy whose fighting for cancer. A friend of mine from highschool has an incredible older sister that I admire. At this time her family is going through something I could never imagine. Her four year old son was diagnosed with leukemia. Four years old!! And fighting. 

This is why I want to help. This is why my mind runs at a million miles per hour when it comes to this cause. It is why I can't just leave it to one main part and grow from there. I can't slow down when cancer won't. I can't look the other way cause cancer doesn't. It affects and takes everyone it wants. It part of why I took up this cause. It's why my mom started it. We couldn't, can't and won't turn away from the plight of those diagnosed. We couldn't, can't and won't not stop trying to help all that we can. Maybe my thoughts don't make sense to you and things are jumbled. Maybe you've never seen how cancer affects people and families. Maybe you just don't have the money to do anything about it. Whatever it is I ask that you move past it. I ask that you share this. I ask that you give what you can; your time, your effort, and yeah if you can your money. Cause this cause is worth it. It's worth trying to make their lives easier, it's worth supporting them, it's worth trying to eradicate this disease. 

This is interesting

The other day I was telling you about how I started a new treatment for my pcos and menorrhagia. This first treatment was supposed to be really bad. That's what both me and the doctor expected. Clots, gushing blood, fatigue, and bad cramping. You know the pretty much norm for me. Can I tell you something?. I got no clots, none whatsoever. I had minimal gush, the whole time I kept putting down in my apps medium period. I got minimal fatigue and a bunch of insomnia. The only thing I did get was horrendous, body twisting, agonizing cramps. Cramps that 4000 mg of ibuprofen couldn't help, that a 12mcg patch of fentanyl just barely put a dent into, and weed please I was still in agony ( but I was high and happy...). So, this morning on my 6 th day I go to the bathroom and start logging my symptoms and period flow. When I go to wipe the paper is barely red, in fact it's not. It's not even pink! So, I sit there with disbelief and wipe again. This time putting a finger in a little bit to see if there is blood around the front. Nope! Still just this period endin color or light brown almost. If I tol you guys that I was flipping out, that wouldn't even explain it. I mean when I was given the provera I was told that it will help me ovulate. By assisting me to ovulate, my lining would not have enough time to become very thick and cause an excessive period. However, I had to wait a long time to take the medicine. So, I was already 30 odd days past when I should have bled. Plenty of time for my lining to become thick, and from my ultrasound it was. My feeling now is how, seriously how did it lower my bleeding days and quantity?! Can you guys give me something that I am missing cause seriously I am going insane...

Anyway, outside of them at spiel. I told you all that I planned on being healthier and exercising. I have come up with a plan and will be sharing my progress journal with you in my pages. Some of the hardest things for me right now is A. Motivation to get up and going. B. To have the energy to share the kitchen with annoying idiots. C. To stop drinking soda and eating canned foods (chef boyardi).

While I was going (really staying) away my brothers place I was cooking all my meals and they were fairly healthy. I know I can do it and I generally enjoy doing it. The problem is everytime I go into the kitchen a door is being a shut or there are comments and sneers. It makes it easier for me to be lazy and not want to do anything. With soda and canned foods I blame my husband, who is not only an enabler but pushes it on me. I tell him I want to be healthier and he goes out gets chips, chef, and two sodas (one for me, one for him). So, last night I told him I'm not drinking soda for 2 months. That I am goin to keep a chart of it and everything. I even told him I want to get a bj's membership so I can buy healthy foods in bulk for smoothies and other things. He gave me a face like I am crazy.  Well he is going to be in for the time of his life cause I want to be a healthier house. I don't care what he does away from me but when we are together he is eatin like me. No longer will I eat what he likes (all unhealthy crap) and let him bring junk food home. Well, I guess in the coming weeks we will see how it all works out. 

And it starts...again

In one of my last posts I tell you guys how I had a feeling my period would be soon. How it would be bad. How this new doctor said, this medication can help. I also told you how the cramps were already bad. Well today is day three now and day one I could do nothing including stay a sleep because of the pain. I personally use marihuana to help with the pain and nausea. I did this and I was still in extreme pain. I then took 2400 mg of ibuprofen which is better when you have cysts cause it is an anti- inflammatory. That also left me in pain. So, I looked up meditation music that can help with pain and that at least helped put me to sleep, along with my husband that stood up all night and played with my hair. Since then I have taken another 1600 mg and put on a fentanyl patch of 12 mcg. I am still in general pain but for the most part I can live with it. The not so great part is that only on day two I was already bleeding a lot. Where little streams were falling down and how dark the blood was. It looked as if someone had stuck a needle in my veins and the blood that would normally full the vial was just pourin out of me. However, I knew that this period would be different from the ones I have had before. Another thing I plan on being different is my approach to dealing with the blood loss and getting my vitamins and minerals back. I know I have said this before, but I am going to start working out again. Thanks to Pinterest I have found some great exercises for people with pcos to do; exercises that help. I also have a new food plan. I am ready to start cutting out more and more carbs. I know this is going to be very hard for me, but I am determined to get back to at least my freshmen weight. That means I plan on losing 65 lbs. I don't think it will be easy, but hopefully with all the doctors I have, it will be possible. So, please wish me luck as I start this. I hope for your encouragement as I try to return more and more to healthy. 

On another note I am glad to share here that I have started a new campaign on GOFUNDME. No, this is not me asking you guys to donate money. This is just me talking about something I am truly excited about. See, before my mom does from cabcer 5 years ago. She started or rather tried to start a nonprofit organization to help other cancer patients and their families. She wanted to help me them find better doctors, have help with paying for medical treatments, and bring them into a community of survivors. Unfortunately, she died before it could happen. I have always wanted to help with her organization and do something for other kids out there like me. Kids who lost their parents and became lost. So, now I have The Romero Foundation. I hope to raise enough money that I can help several people with cancer, kids who lsost their parent to cancer, and give a portion to relay for life. For those of you who do not know what Relay for Life is, it is a fundraising project where you can have fun, sell things, but most of all walk. Each team has a set goal and the money goes for cancer research. Relays goal is to give cancer patients more birthdays. I plan on donating 1/3 of whatever money I am able to raise to them. Another 1/3 will go to a not so lucky person who lost a parent to cancer. They can use the money for school, bills, anything they need it for. The other 1/3 will go to cancer patients. They will be given an amount they need for bills, treatment costs, equipment costs. For whatever their insurance has not covered including if needed transportation cost. I know my mom probably spent a pretty penny goon out to Michigan, for their cancer treatment facility. The Romero Funds will be used to make people who have had to deal with cancer, lives easier. 

I told you above I am not asking for your money. What I will ask is for you to share my message. Share with your friends and family, maybe then can donate or share it with their friends and family. My GOFUNDME link is http://www.gofundme.com/10oli94 . I am lucky enough to have already gotten a contribution and I could not be happier. Every dollar really does count. I hope that even if you don't donate to me, you will look at relay for life or other cancer fundraisers and donate there. I hope one day soon this disease really will be eradicated. I hope no one else in the coming years has to lose their loved ones to this. With that said I hope you all have a good day. It's Monday and the work week has just begun. Enjoy :)