another year, another hope 2020

28. I am now 28 years old and with it there is this sadness. I do this to myself every year with expectations and ideals. I just do not think I know how to live my life any other way. Truly I do not. I put so much on myself and expect that I should live up to it. This year though I have to, I have to reach these goals I am setting out for myself because they are simple. Simple but necessary and daunting all the same cause I have yet to be able to fully hold on to or do them. So, here are my goals and I am starting with the easiest to the hardiest.

1. Get and maintain a full time job 
2. do my taxes...
3. Hang out with friends socially
4. Publish your book
5. Take 1-2 vacations in the states
6. Get CPR Certified
7. Get Teachers Certificate
8. Get all IDS and paperwork
9. Get an apartment
10. Take 1 vacation out of the states

Well that is what I have so far as far as my yearly goals are and I have a good feeling that if I can at least do the first one I'll be able to accomplish the rest. WISH ME LUCK. I am going to take everything one step at a time and hopefully conquer it all.

Beauty, Life and all that"s between

Last I left you I was getting biopsies and waiting for someone important to enter my life. Waiting for me to go back to work, waiting for me to get back to life. I am still waiting for most of it. I received biopsy back and I have a adenomyomatous type endometrial polyp which are apparently rare. I don't know much more about it other than that.
While waiting for disability I've been "working" and i put it in ""'s because its so minimal I cannot fully count it as work. I mainly bake for people and myself as a coping skill to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. However, I want to gather more clients for my Etsy Store or my Instagram so I can sell more treats. My main kitchen is taken but I believe I have found another one to bake my delicious treats in. I and my treats though will be available at a Beauty Event this October 13th, in downtown manhattan for Wine Down Sunday It is an event you must attend! Like really,  here is a clip: attendees will participate in carefully curated panel discussions, explore healthy beauty and hair removal educational workshops and engage in insightful conversations and networking over wine and light bites.

Each ticket purchase includes wine, hors d'oeuvres, body massage consaltation and your choice of a complimentary wax voucher service (underarm, bikini line, upper lip) to book at a later date at My Divine Beauty Spa. 

or

INTERESTED IN BEING A VENDOR OR SPONSOR? Fill out form by SEPTEMBER 30, 2019 to confirm and get additional details on space rental. Please fill out Vendor Application or contact Patty Mydivinebeauty@outlook.com

Okay back to me.

My life has been stagnant just waiting for things to move and get better and in the mean time I go to therapy. I talk and slowly open up about things and hope my ptsd gets better, knowing my anxiety has gotten better, my bipolar-ism has gotten better but I still feel stagnant. 

New Year...

Hello everyone! and happy January! I have my results, I have some news and I have a shit mentality that needs to change. what should I start with?
okay, okay...I will start with my results. Everything is benign. That means I am OKAY... well it means I need to be monitored. It means that I am not currently sick but, my anxiety is never really going to go down because I am always going to feel like my cells are changing more and more and I am going to die. Yeah, I know drama queen. I am aware of my flaws; which leads me to my shit mentality. I have been on a fucked up mentality for oh, how long was I with my ex? I adopted a view point that honestly I cannot afford nor should I want to.

okay so that was never posted for some reason and I am honestly not sure why. Since this was supposed to be posted so much has happened. More people have been kicked out of my life. I lived in a subleased apartment with my now boyfriend... and before friend and ex husbands old now not best friend from high school. I know its weird. I also, am currently not working because the love of my life died my baby Tuffy.

Since, he got sick I started becoming more and more anxious and unable to deal with things. When he died though I closed in on my self and eventually could not even leave my apartment. Right now me and my boyfriend are staying with family to save up on money since I still cannot work and am working on myself. As well, I believe due to the stress I started bleeding heavily for two months but the doctors did find a lesions in my ultrasound and I will need to have more biopsies and now other tests to see what is going on with me. Its been a very hard several months but I know that everything is done for a reason and that when one person leaves your world its so another can come into it. If that is honestly true then someone so very special is coming into my world soon because Tuff you were my entire world. I hope you are happy with mommy and everyone else so special up there. know that you have inspired me in so many ways and truly did so much for me. Well guys i need to end this before I go crazy again. I will try to write again soon but you know me.

Biopsy

The last I wrote here I had gotten some unfortunate news about my uterus. I still have not gotten any real attention for my uterus. I had imagining a few weeks ago and have not received my results. You're probably wondering "well, Jack why is this called biopsy if you didn't get one...???"
When I went to the doctor about my uterus they did a pap smear. Girls you know what this and GUYS you should know about this and get your own version of this test done. In October I was called back with the results of my pap smear.
Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (LSIL)—LSIL means that the cervical cells show changes that are mildly abnormal. LSIL usually is caused by an HPV infection that often goes away on its own. High-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (HSIL)—HSIL suggests more serious changes in the cervix than LSIL.
I believed because Candida was also present (a common yeast infection) that maybe my test results were skewed. When they scheduled my colposcopy for today I honestly thought they would not find anything. I was scared and my anxiety wound me up quite a bit. I cried before the appointment but now, Now after my appointment I am honestly petrified. They found two areas on my cervix that needed to be biopsied. I am sick. I am sick in some form and I CANNOT believe it. My heart stopped the second she said she was doing them. I'm not sure my heart will really start up again any time soon. I am sooo scared.

At the end of my appointment I was given a "problem list". My problems listed and on it were things I didn't know I had. A cardiac murmur (oh yeah, undiagnosed), Hyperglycerdemia (blood sugar issue) for example. I have to now read up on these and see what the hell is wrong with me.

Most importantly I have to go back to work tomorrow and act like I am okay. I have to do homework today and continue with my studies like there is nothing wrong. I have to run my company and make safeguards and act like everything is okay. I AM SO NOT FUCKING OKAY.

current struggle

Since the last time I wrote here things have drastically changed. Last time I believed I was pregnant. I had had several positive tests and multitude of symptoms. I was excited. My excitement changed when I went to the ER two weeks ago and came out finding that not only am I not pregnant but I have a polyp.

If you don't know what a polyp is here is the direct definition: any growth or mass protruding from a mucous membrane. Polyps may be attached to a membrane by a thin stalk (pedunculated polyps), or they may have a broad base (sessile polyps). They are usually an overgrowth of normal tissue, but sometimes they are true tumors (masses of new tissue separate from the supporting membrane). Usually benign, they may lead to complications or eventually become malignant. They can occur wherever there is mucous membrane: in the nose, ears, mouth, lungs, heart, stomach, intestines, urinary bladder, uterus, and cervix.

Now, I am fighting to get it biopsied so I can know if I have cancer. For those of you who are wondering why, here it is. 7 years ago my mother died from Cancer. She didn't have to. My moms cancer was a slow growing one initially. Doctors for over a year misdiagnosed her because I guess they didn't believe a 46 year old woman would have colon cancer. I know, I know it was unfortunate but it was colon cancer. Well, no. 

What to expect from your doctor

Some questions your doctor might ask include:
...

• Have you been treated for uterine polyps or cervical polyps before?
• Have you had fertility problems? Do you want to become pregnant?
• Does your family have a history of breast, colon or endometrial cancer?
  
  I happen to have all three just on my mothers side and one on my fathers side that we know about. That's a bit scary for me and would be for other people with the same history. Now, that is my family history. Here is my medical history. As you all should know I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 12 and re-diagnosed when I was 21. Pcos increases your chance of:
• 
  
• Diabetes. More than half of women with PCOS will have diabetes or pre-diabetes (glucose intolerance) before the age of 40.⁴ Learn more about diabetes on our Diabetes page.
• High blood pressure. Women with PCOS are at greater risk of having high blood pressure compared with women of the same age without PCOS. High blood pressure is a leading cause of heart disease and stroke. Learn more about heart disease and stroke.
• Unhealthy cholesterol. Women with PCOS often have higher levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol and low levels of HDL (good) cholesterol. High cholesterol raises your risk for heart disease and stroke.
• Sleep apnea. This is when momentary and repeated stops in breathing interrupt sleep. Many women with PCOS are overweight or obese, which can cause sleep apnea. Sleep apnea raises your risk for heart disease and diabetes.
• Depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are common among women with PCOS.
• Endometrial cancer. Problems with ovulation, obesity, insulin resistance, and diabetes (all common in women with PCOS) increase the risk of developing cancer of the endometrium (lining of the uterus or womb).

All of this has my anxiety hitting the roof. My chance of cancer is greater. 

It could all be nothing but until I know for sure its scary.

Hey guys

Okay so I do have to say I am currently returning only because I received a message from a "fan". I did not realize I had any but, I am really excited to hear that. I cannot promise that with my schedule and the life I am currently living I will be able to write as often as I used to. In fact you may go months without hearing from me.

So, lets get to it.

My forever fan (their own words) has asked some questions that I will try to answer. I do have to admit my memory sucks (sorry, not sorry)so not everything will be told in full detail. Also, my life has taken a lot of turns this year and some of it is private.

The first thing they bring up is my PCOS. This topic has not changed so much or pretty much at all. My cysts still come to visit but are less painful. My periods are still several weeks long and leave me wishing I was attached to an IV that contained replenishing blood and caffeine. I do have to admit though I have not had a period since June. At least not the periods I have. I have had a few days here and there of brownish stuff (I know TMI, EWWW!!). Its apart of life so get over it. Before you ask no I am not pregnant. That has been something that I still want and have been unable to do/ or rather keep. Yes, I've been pregnant recently...well since 2016. Obviously, it did not last and its unfortunate. I have done a lot of reflecting and activities to try and take the sting out of not having yet again another child. Oh well! This has answered two questions.

As you all know I am married and madly in love with someone I call "HIM". No, they are not the same person. No, I do not care what you think about that. My husband was a cheating, lying, ass hat that although was one of my best friends and good for me in some ways; was also the worst possible husband. He left in April to be with his 40 year old Korean sugar mama and her family (and kid). Him is still married even though he has admitted he doesn't want to be and a bunch of other things. He has a lot he is working through and no I will not discuss it. Its his life and not for me to share. The information I learn about him every time we talk saddens me but, reminds me of how much I love him and want him to be happy. True love is never about only doing for yourself, it's about making sure they do what they need to lead a happy and healthy life. Now, with that said I do set limits and demands. I think that's my right as the one who loves him. If you are wondering, it has been 5 years since I last saw him in person. He lives awhile away from me and the only face time I get with him is well FaceTime.

The main question I received and believe you all have is "where am I in life?".  Well, I recently moved in with my "twin" sister and her family. My business is now a company and I doing okay (it can always be better). I am taking a college course to get my education back on track. I am writing a little bit (the book I was working on forever, a new story, and the others). This is not going so well with my work schedule but, hey I'm trying. I have a few new men in my life since my husband left. No, they do not mean much and both know where they stand with me. Sometimes a girl just needs the company of a man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Other than that nothing has really changed. I still want a baby and am more than willing to do it alone. This is not an invitation!!! I still have things I need to work on as well. I am still struggling with my depression over my losses (children and my mother). Still looking for a better living situation where I can be on my own. Still working on making my business and trying to make it grow. Still doing a lot of things. Until, I can have my health straightened out I think it would be reckless of me to actively try for a child. I'm not saying I will be upset if it happens accidentally but, not actively right now. When I have the funds, a clearance with my health and a place to care for my child then I will ask the dr to help me with fertility and foster. I would adopt but I know I do not and will not have the funds for that for a very long time.

I'm pretty sure I answered everything. Filled you in with as much as I think your ready for. If you feel you need more info or juicier information don't be shy. Leave me a comment and ask away. I have always said I am an open book.

Getting ready...

Life is pretty crazy isn't it. One day everything is going great and you feel like your going somewhere and getting all these great things done. Then the next it is all gone and you start to wonder when you will stop falling and be able to get back to the good. 

Take a second and think back, think of when you were 18 and just set out on your own. Maybe it was to go to college, to go traveling or maybe you just wanted to be out and live alone. Do you remember the joy and feeling of anything could happen. Boy, do I miss that feeling. I miss feeling like I could make a difference if I just believed and tried. I miss feeling like I could be and do anything. Don't you?

I miss the idea of anything.

At 12 I was told that I would not be able to have children without serious medical intervention but, for years I held to the thought that anything was possible. That with a family as big as mine it was impossible I couldn't have a biological child. That one day... But in just the short period that I have even had this blog for I have realized that I have been sticking my head in the sand. 

This post, article, whichever you would like to call it is about coming to terms with stopping trying to have a baby. I made my decision last month and it's been hard giving up on a dream, giving up on who I have wanted to be. Of course, this doesn't mean at some point I am not going to get my papers together and adopt and foster. That was always apart of our ( Me and my husbands) plan. It just may be sooner then we thought. 

It just means that accepting the fact that I will probably never carry and birth a living child, is my new reality. 

In light of this I have started to think differently. Instead of begging doctors to help me be a mom, I am talking to them about...well I'm not really talking to them. Right now I don't really see the point in going to the doctor and trying to be healthy. I know that soon I will have to go and get another treatment done, that I will have to go and get my physical therapy completed and other things. I know that life goes on as it has for other mothers. 

It's interesting how logically you can understand something. Understand how life is a certain way and that eventually with enough determination you can end up with the basic concept of what you wanted in the long haul. I know that if I save, move and apply to grants then I can become a foster mom and adopt. That I will be a mommy with living babies. I will love them and protect them and they will be MINE. What it doesn't change is I will never feel my baby kick and somersault inside of me. See their first sonogram or hear their heartbeat on a Doppler and stare down at my belly to smile. The joys and annoyances of being hugely pregnant will be missed. As much as I have enjoyed and cherished the few months with my babies I have had, I never passed the first trimester. For the moms who know what that is like My Condolences. 

As my brain has try to rationalize and compartmentalize all of these things; my heart grieves openly for the loss. The loss and dreams of the young me. The loss of hope and determination. The loss of my children. I know eventually it will all hurt less. I know eventually that things will be better and honestly that's the only thing getting me through.