Hey guys

Okay so I do have to say I am currently returning only because I received a message from a "fan". I did not realize I had any but, I am really excited to hear that. I cannot promise that with my schedule and the life I am currently living I will be able to write as often as I used to. In fact you may go months without hearing from me.

So, lets get to it.

My forever fan (their own words) has asked some questions that I will try to answer. I do have to admit my memory sucks (sorry, not sorry)so not everything will be told in full detail. Also, my life has taken a lot of turns this year and some of it is private.

The first thing they bring up is my PCOS. This topic has not changed so much or pretty much at all. My cysts still come to visit but are less painful. My periods are still several weeks long and leave me wishing I was attached to an IV that contained replenishing blood and caffeine. I do have to admit though I have not had a period since June. At least not the periods I have. I have had a few days here and there of brownish stuff (I know TMI, EWWW!!). Its apart of life so get over it. Before you ask no I am not pregnant. That has been something that I still want and have been unable to do/ or rather keep. Yes, I've been pregnant recently...well since 2016. Obviously, it did not last and its unfortunate. I have done a lot of reflecting and activities to try and take the sting out of not having yet again another child. Oh well! This has answered two questions.

As you all know I am married and madly in love with someone I call "HIM". No, they are not the same person. No, I do not care what you think about that. My husband was a cheating, lying, ass hat that although was one of my best friends and good for me in some ways; was also the worst possible husband. He left in April to be with his 40 year old Korean sugar mama and her family (and kid). Him is still married even though he has admitted he doesn't want to be and a bunch of other things. He has a lot he is working through and no I will not discuss it. Its his life and not for me to share. The information I learn about him every time we talk saddens me but, reminds me of how much I love him and want him to be happy. True love is never about only doing for yourself, it's about making sure they do what they need to lead a happy and healthy life. Now, with that said I do set limits and demands. I think that's my right as the one who loves him. If you are wondering, it has been 5 years since I last saw him in person. He lives awhile away from me and the only face time I get with him is well FaceTime.

The main question I received and believe you all have is "where am I in life?".  Well, I recently moved in with my "twin" sister and her family. My business is now a company and I doing okay (it can always be better). I am taking a college course to get my education back on track. I am writing a little bit (the book I was working on forever, a new story, and the others). This is not going so well with my work schedule but, hey I'm trying. I have a few new men in my life since my husband left. No, they do not mean much and both know where they stand with me. Sometimes a girl just needs the company of a man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Other than that nothing has really changed. I still want a baby and am more than willing to do it alone. This is not an invitation!!! I still have things I need to work on as well. I am still struggling with my depression over my losses (children and my mother). Still looking for a better living situation where I can be on my own. Still working on making my business and trying to make it grow. Still doing a lot of things. Until, I can have my health straightened out I think it would be reckless of me to actively try for a child. I'm not saying I will be upset if it happens accidentally but, not actively right now. When I have the funds, a clearance with my health and a place to care for my child then I will ask the dr to help me with fertility and foster. I would adopt but I know I do not and will not have the funds for that for a very long time.

I'm pretty sure I answered everything. Filled you in with as much as I think your ready for. If you feel you need more info or juicier information don't be shy. Leave me a comment and ask away. I have always said I am an open book.

another one

Its been a pretty long time, over a week since I last wrote here. If I am honest its because I've been feeling really down about life and the things that have been happening. I'm sad that my husband is having problems with his own depression and the way he has been dealing with it. I'm sad about my own depression that I have let my self wallow in for sometime. I'm sad that people look into my life with judgement and criticism. Critics yes, can be helpful when done correctly and politely. The criticism I have been facing lately really has just made me want to give up and in. A big part of me would love to do that, just roll over and keel or just step in line with the monotony of office work.

For years I have been told to just go to work in an office. To sit in some cubical because it pays okay and that's what people think is best. I cannot imagine something more dull and life draining. To be perfectly honest the first and foremost reason I do not want an office job is because I would be sitting my pretty little ass down in a chair staring at a screen inputting information for 8 hours a day for 5 day a week for 52.17777 weeks a year. I would probably shoot myself and someone else. Even just being at home looking at a screen for over 2 hours for fun gives me headaches that make me shut down my screens for a bit. Not to mention the fact that if I was to obtain a regular office position and went in to work during my period, I would be hiding in a hopefully private bathroom or have to put a shield around my cube. Can you imagine the horror on people faces coming in to the bathroom seeing a trail of blood or worse a mess of it. How bout them coming over to my cube for information and because I bled through my cloths and into the chair they smell the blood that has been seeped into the chair cushion for the past hour or so. Now, sure you can say "your just making excuses" but think about if it was you. think about if you had to always be careful not laugh or cough cause blood could squirt out, or even just try and pull in everything in hopes it would keep your naturally very heavy flow from just coming out. How would you feel about being in a highly crowded area, with no privacy, and where anyone could see or smell that your bleeding. I remember in high school and junior high when girls would first get their period and how people could be so rude and mean. If you think that's changed as the people grew older your wrong. Its just become quieter, the whispers have turned into real whispers and people are still ostracized. So, NO I am not going to just take an office job cause it could be easier work.

I'm also very tired of people judging my condition without living it. Sometimes I wish I could take those people open an artery and say okay now you live with that and remember you cant let it scab over for several days/ weeks. I'm pretty sure that person would run to the hospital and say stitch me up please before I die! Honestly even outside of my crazy little scenario here people really need to stop thinking they know better or because they can do a google search they know all the information. A google search is nice you get a part of the information needed, but honestly you know diddly squat until you've lived with the condition. Until, you and that person have gone through the same things. Its okay to want and help, but be productive then. Saying oh you are this way because you do this or I read you are this way cause of this. What is that! Instead saying hey I know this great farmers market where we can get a bunch of great fresh vegetables and fruits, want to come with; or hey I heard that there is a new study out that is looking for someone who has the same symptoms as you do, want to apply here is the website. Do something productive and less destructive. Most people who critic someone like me do not know half of what they are talking about. Yesterday, I was talking to someone and they were telling me all the things I was doing wrong, all the things I should change. I turned around and asked them do you know anything about my condition and he said no. So, if you know nothing about my condition, the treatments I have been on, the way I eat both publicly and privately then how can you tell me what I am doing wrong or be of any assistance. Your judging me on face value, not on substance. Learn at least something about what I am going through, ask me questions about what I have done, then after you learn then you can say something. Then you can say "Well you know what jacks. I have been with you during your period, Ive seen how it has affected you first hand, I have seen the way you eat, exercise, and conduct your general life. Here is what I think about it all". That doesn't happen though and that is something that will probably never happen, so until it does people should take their destructive criticism and shove it. You want to help me be productive, tell me things that add to my life. Tell me a place I can get cheap good veggies and fruit. Tell me a cheap place I can go swimming again. Tell me about a support group I can join where I can talk to other women like me that have depression, anxiety, and PCOS. Tell me what books I should read to become better at my business, my blog, my life. Tell me something useful, if you cant then just stay quiet. Keep your destructive words and UN-useful information.

Until next time everyone, be safe, be loved, be useful.

Marriage is...

Marriage to some people is a contract that states you have bound yourself to this other person; financially, and physically. Others view marriage as a spiritual connection that ties you to a person you love; where as some have described it as becoming one. 

Either way marriage is something that should be filled with support (fiscal, emotional, and physical when needed), love ( or even just liking the person), LOYALTY, and RESPECT. 

I capitalized the last two because I think those embody what marriage should be. There should be equal respect for both the man and the women. It can be respecting each other's roles in the relationship, respecting their decisions, or even respecting their time and efforts. Loyalty I believe is self explanatory. A marriage is not a marriage if you cannot be loyal to the one you bind your life with. Now, I'm not saying people that swing or people who have pre-arranged agreements are not being loyal cause in a sense they are. They are being loyal in the best way they can be and respecting their partners enough to talk openly and come to some sort of terms.

For me a man who makes plans to sleep with someone else, a man who hits his wife ( or long term girlfriend whose basically common law), and or sneaks around with other people is scum. He is essentially not a man. The same goes to the women and or male (marriage is who you choose to bind yourself with) that helps you be unfaithful. Both people are horrible and deserve to have their hearts broken.  I'm not just saying this about the men m, women the same goes for you if your doing the same things.

Anyway before I got off on a tangent I was talking about marriage and what it should be. I talk to my boss often and the other day this topic came up. We talked about how everyone is different and how you never truly know what happens behind close doors. Also, how people who intentionally hurt their spouses are the worst. We talked about how marriage is something you work at; it's not something that just happens. It's a daily commitment to be your best and to honor the relationship you have with your partner. We also said that if you cannot do that then it's better to let them go. That way they can be happy with someone who can make them happy. I'll leave you here but please feel free to share your thoughts on marriage or committed relationships.

Married to a ....Marine

Up until now I haven't said much about my marriage. I'm sure you guys who don't know me or those who just want to catch up about my current life would like to know about my husband who, I occasionally want to kill... 

A little recap- we met in elementary school and apparently he liked me... Fast forward oh 6 or 7 years we meet again and he calls me his wife! Yea, I know crazy!! Fast forward alittle more and we are 19 and I finally say yes to dating him and a week later he goes off to boot camp. The following year we actually get the chance to date and 4 months later we are MARRIED! It has now been 2 years and 7 months since our vows and you are basically all caught up. 

This post is not so much about my marriage ,which I will go into detail about at another time but, about being married to someone in the military...

Since being with my husband, I have had to get use to the thought that he could get hurt, killed, or be called active and sent over seas. I'm lucky though in the sense that he is reserved so I normally feel like he is safe even though in the back of my mind I know that if we were to go to war then I could easily lose him. 

I do have to say one thing though it is nice that as a reservist he leaves once a month to go training, like this weekend. It gives us some time apart to miss eachother and me time to hang out with friends or have the run of the house and TV. However, in the summer he leaves for two weeks which goes by both very quickly and achingly slow. Sometimes I wish he was just a civilian but I know he enjoys being a marine and playing with all of his guns.well that's were I will leave off today. Please comment below if you have military personnel in your family or are a spouse, girlfriend, or fiancé of one. I would love to hear from you guys!