Biopsy

The last I wrote here I had gotten some unfortunate news about my uterus. I still have not gotten any real attention for my uterus. I had imagining a few weeks ago and have not received my results. You're probably wondering "well, Jack why is this called biopsy if you didn't get one...???"
When I went to the doctor about my uterus they did a pap smear. Girls you know what this and GUYS you should know about this and get your own version of this test done. In October I was called back with the results of my pap smear.
Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (LSIL)—LSIL means that the cervical cells show changes that are mildly abnormal. LSIL usually is caused by an HPV infection that often goes away on its own. High-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion (HSIL)—HSIL suggests more serious changes in the cervix than LSIL.
I believed because Candida was also present (a common yeast infection) that maybe my test results were skewed. When they scheduled my colposcopy for today I honestly thought they would not find anything. I was scared and my anxiety wound me up quite a bit. I cried before the appointment but now, Now after my appointment I am honestly petrified. They found two areas on my cervix that needed to be biopsied. I am sick. I am sick in some form and I CANNOT believe it. My heart stopped the second she said she was doing them. I'm not sure my heart will really start up again any time soon. I am sooo scared.

At the end of my appointment I was given a "problem list". My problems listed and on it were things I didn't know I had. A cardiac murmur (oh yeah, undiagnosed), Hyperglycerdemia (blood sugar issue) for example. I have to now read up on these and see what the hell is wrong with me.

Most importantly I have to go back to work tomorrow and act like I am okay. I have to do homework today and continue with my studies like there is nothing wrong. I have to run my company and make safeguards and act like everything is okay. I AM SO NOT FUCKING OKAY.

current struggle

Since the last time I wrote here things have drastically changed. Last time I believed I was pregnant. I had had several positive tests and multitude of symptoms. I was excited. My excitement changed when I went to the ER two weeks ago and came out finding that not only am I not pregnant but I have a polyp.

If you don't know what a polyp is here is the direct definition: any growth or mass protruding from a mucous membrane. Polyps may be attached to a membrane by a thin stalk (pedunculated polyps), or they may have a broad base (sessile polyps). They are usually an overgrowth of normal tissue, but sometimes they are true tumors (masses of new tissue separate from the supporting membrane). Usually benign, they may lead to complications or eventually become malignant. They can occur wherever there is mucous membrane: in the nose, ears, mouth, lungs, heart, stomach, intestines, urinary bladder, uterus, and cervix.

Now, I am fighting to get it biopsied so I can know if I have cancer. For those of you who are wondering why, here it is. 7 years ago my mother died from Cancer. She didn't have to. My moms cancer was a slow growing one initially. Doctors for over a year misdiagnosed her because I guess they didn't believe a 46 year old woman would have colon cancer. I know, I know it was unfortunate but it was colon cancer. Well, no. 

What to expect from your doctor

Some questions your doctor might ask include:
...

• Have you been treated for uterine polyps or cervical polyps before?
• Have you had fertility problems? Do you want to become pregnant?
• Does your family have a history of breast, colon or endometrial cancer?
  
  I happen to have all three just on my mothers side and one on my fathers side that we know about. That's a bit scary for me and would be for other people with the same history. Now, that is my family history. Here is my medical history. As you all should know I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 12 and re-diagnosed when I was 21. Pcos increases your chance of:
• 
  
• Diabetes. More than half of women with PCOS will have diabetes or pre-diabetes (glucose intolerance) before the age of 40.⁴ Learn more about diabetes on our Diabetes page.
• High blood pressure. Women with PCOS are at greater risk of having high blood pressure compared with women of the same age without PCOS. High blood pressure is a leading cause of heart disease and stroke. Learn more about heart disease and stroke.
• Unhealthy cholesterol. Women with PCOS often have higher levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol and low levels of HDL (good) cholesterol. High cholesterol raises your risk for heart disease and stroke.
• Sleep apnea. This is when momentary and repeated stops in breathing interrupt sleep. Many women with PCOS are overweight or obese, which can cause sleep apnea. Sleep apnea raises your risk for heart disease and diabetes.
• Depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are common among women with PCOS.
• Endometrial cancer. Problems with ovulation, obesity, insulin resistance, and diabetes (all common in women with PCOS) increase the risk of developing cancer of the endometrium (lining of the uterus or womb).

All of this has my anxiety hitting the roof. My chance of cancer is greater. 

It could all be nothing but until I know for sure its scary.

Hey guys

Okay so I do have to say I am currently returning only because I received a message from a "fan". I did not realize I had any but, I am really excited to hear that. I cannot promise that with my schedule and the life I am currently living I will be able to write as often as I used to. In fact you may go months without hearing from me.

So, lets get to it.

My forever fan (their own words) has asked some questions that I will try to answer. I do have to admit my memory sucks (sorry, not sorry)so not everything will be told in full detail. Also, my life has taken a lot of turns this year and some of it is private.

The first thing they bring up is my PCOS. This topic has not changed so much or pretty much at all. My cysts still come to visit but are less painful. My periods are still several weeks long and leave me wishing I was attached to an IV that contained replenishing blood and caffeine. I do have to admit though I have not had a period since June. At least not the periods I have. I have had a few days here and there of brownish stuff (I know TMI, EWWW!!). Its apart of life so get over it. Before you ask no I am not pregnant. That has been something that I still want and have been unable to do/ or rather keep. Yes, I've been pregnant recently...well since 2016. Obviously, it did not last and its unfortunate. I have done a lot of reflecting and activities to try and take the sting out of not having yet again another child. Oh well! This has answered two questions.

As you all know I am married and madly in love with someone I call "HIM". No, they are not the same person. No, I do not care what you think about that. My husband was a cheating, lying, ass hat that although was one of my best friends and good for me in some ways; was also the worst possible husband. He left in April to be with his 40 year old Korean sugar mama and her family (and kid). Him is still married even though he has admitted he doesn't want to be and a bunch of other things. He has a lot he is working through and no I will not discuss it. Its his life and not for me to share. The information I learn about him every time we talk saddens me but, reminds me of how much I love him and want him to be happy. True love is never about only doing for yourself, it's about making sure they do what they need to lead a happy and healthy life. Now, with that said I do set limits and demands. I think that's my right as the one who loves him. If you are wondering, it has been 5 years since I last saw him in person. He lives awhile away from me and the only face time I get with him is well FaceTime.

The main question I received and believe you all have is "where am I in life?".  Well, I recently moved in with my "twin" sister and her family. My business is now a company and I doing okay (it can always be better). I am taking a college course to get my education back on track. I am writing a little bit (the book I was working on forever, a new story, and the others). This is not going so well with my work schedule but, hey I'm trying. I have a few new men in my life since my husband left. No, they do not mean much and both know where they stand with me. Sometimes a girl just needs the company of a man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Other than that nothing has really changed. I still want a baby and am more than willing to do it alone. This is not an invitation!!! I still have things I need to work on as well. I am still struggling with my depression over my losses (children and my mother). Still looking for a better living situation where I can be on my own. Still working on making my business and trying to make it grow. Still doing a lot of things. Until, I can have my health straightened out I think it would be reckless of me to actively try for a child. I'm not saying I will be upset if it happens accidentally but, not actively right now. When I have the funds, a clearance with my health and a place to care for my child then I will ask the dr to help me with fertility and foster. I would adopt but I know I do not and will not have the funds for that for a very long time.

I'm pretty sure I answered everything. Filled you in with as much as I think your ready for. If you feel you need more info or juicier information don't be shy. Leave me a comment and ask away. I have always said I am an open book.